Dream Big

It does not really matter how long I have left. The exciting part about where I am is that I have the rest of my life left in front of me. I have the power to craft the future I want to see myself in.

And yeah… most things probably won’t work out the way I want. But i’m flexible to see where life takes me. I want to touch mountain peaks and I’m no longer afraid of valley lows.

I understand both sides. I understand the need to work towards goals, to have discipline and purpose. To develop skills. But I also understand the need of childlike innocence. I can’t let life pass me by chasing goals. I need to experience the beauty in all situations. In these harder times where I cry everynight. These grueling work shifts. This period where I’m alone. Every step is beautiful because I’m breathing, i have perspective and I’m moving. There’s also beauty in the stillness.

There’s beauty in her presence in my life. I can’t understate how falling asleep on call is saving me. How her voice lays a protective blanket over my troubled mind. How seeing “my love” at the end of a message reminds me why I need to get up and get it. The beauty in togetherness. I find sanity in her laugh. Her cuteness is unbearable. I will broke boy spoil her until I can tell her to kick her feet up. But I also know I’m her guy. I will protect her spirit. I will love her soul. I will cater to her physical beauty. I will help her mentally. I will get it right by her. And do it all the right way. I’ve never known anything more than I know that she is the person I want to spend life with. And that brings me back to the point. It doesn’t matter what’s in the rearview. It does not matter how many times we got it wrong. We have the opportunity to get it right for the rest of our lives. To be each other’s source. I’ll be her tank filling rain. That rain that will make the Bermudian in her say “I needed that”. That’s what I want for the rest of my life. To progress from one. To have everyday be an opportunity to get it right.

In love.

In my purpose.

In my every day interactions.

In my healing. In how I treat myself.

In creativity.

In travel.

In providing her laughs, peace, and prosperity.

Thank you God for showing me and teaching me and humbling me and paining me. I know what comes next will be the sweetest taste.

P.s.

Until then I expected these restless, tear filled, nights and arduous days to carry on. But I will carry on. I will continue to build the unbreakable foundation I need. Like 2016 summer days. I will use this season on emotional monsoons as motivation. I will remove all the loose sands, the fleeting images of self love snd replace them with a self confidence more concrete. I will break all the boulders that weigh heavy on my shoulders. I will remove mines to continue to make space for hers. Then work to remove those too. And idc if my hands are blistered and bloodied. That’s what gloves and bandaids are for. Here’s to the me I’m becoming.

Here’s to motivation in random places:

“I want to tell you that the windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror for a reason. What’s in front of you is so much more important than what’s behind you.” <•~ Jelly Roll.

Starting from one is no easy process. Having to humble myself enough to take a critical look at all my flaws in love. To analyze all I do wrong. To lay out my heart in front of me. To have to go back to the very basics when I felt I was ready for the final exam.

It’s a lot of pain retracing yourself back to one. Brian McKnight didn’t talk about that part. There’s a lot of patience involved. Patience within yourself because who wants to have to start over? To live within the parts of love that aren’t so glamorous. To have to address all their insecurities and fight all of their demons. And for the most part sit at number one alone.

When your ‘dream come true’ becomes a living nightmare. When it becomes tasking. When it becomes something to work at. Something to push through. Something to really work at. When the street lights are flickering and the path ahead is long and dark and lonely.

One hasn’t been a friend to me. My lows have been my lowest evers. But I’m better equipped to push through now. So yes it’s heavy … and probably the heaviest it’s ever been… but my soul is stronger now. I bounce back quicker. I forgive myself faster. I hate myself less. But …. The shit still fucking hurts. Idk. I’m starting to see the light in some regards again. I needed this reminder that my work is never done. I guess there’s lessons in the pain. I guess finding me might come from the loneliness and abandonment. Stay up. Be good to you. I’ve been sad nonstop since my birthday. Sigh.

Imagine being loved where the scars are deepest. I picture having someone be so tender with my wounds that their efforts sews the stitches that heal me. I imagine someone coming through to paved all the potholes and cracks that have formed over the roadmap to my heart. I imagine someone intentionally filling me with warmth so that there’s no chance I would go cold. I imagine someone being considerate of my feelings. Then doing everything in their power to ensure that paint my canvas with happy colours. I imagine this loneliness in my soul starting to move out because the space becomes occupied by a new tenant. Someone who cares. Someone who shows up. Someone who loves me for me. Someone who shows me that I may just be enough. I’m sure we all imagine something like this.

And I’m sure i have to continue to learn to be all those things for myself. I’m all I’ve got at the end of the day … :(;):(

I’m at my lowest again. 
I gotta pick myself up cause nobody’s extending their hand.

Nobody cares enough to put me first.
nobody will come to save me this time.
it’s me vs my tortured and ripped mind.
i’d be lying if i said i’m alright. 

tanking damage but my health bar’s running low.
my spirit wants to go home.
i haven’t felt this alone in a while don’t wanna carry this on. 

There is power in the you that you are becoming through these experiences.

I’ve been searching for what God has had to say to me during these times.

And there’s a rumbling in my spirit…

Life’s a funny thing sometimes the lessons hit you even when you dint want them to. Other times you to listen. You have to search. You have to seek guidance in those around you. You have to listen to the message within you atoms. You have to change things up. Fail. Come up short once or thrice. You see me i fail more than i can count. Success are far and few between . But sometimes it feels like this life isn’t my own.

Sometimes i feel like a vessel . I know my strength isn’t my own. Maybe part of it is learned through her. I know for sure part of it has been lent to ne by the angels.

Sometimes all i want to do is share the burden. To listen. To hear. To connect my humanity to another person’s . You’re having a bad day i will listen for 30 minutes. You need to laugh i’ll try my best. You need a ride ? I gotchu. How can i bring God’s light into your oath? How can i connect us. Some of the best bonds i’ve ever made in life transcended language and culture. I remember Mama Fatayah in times like this. Devendra’s mom who said i was like a son to her by the time i left Nepal. Apay or the lady that fed me and Alung on the beach one random day. I think of chapthok, in which i planted roots of a home away from home. Who i hope to do justice in all i write about them. How those moments dictated my self belief. How i was able to feel so connected to people i couldn’t even verbally communicate with. How was i folded over gut wrenched dying laughter with tuk the stone mason yet i couldn’t say one word to him. It was my innate desire to connect. To let them know that if no one else cared i cared enough to make those 3 months worth every second I spent there. That i wanted to share in their burden. That i cared to make a difference.

Idk. I think if mr clay this summer. How it seemed my path crosses his at the right time. I just want to honestly have enriched people by me having been in their life.

I want to make something of my writing this yesr. Mold a message i can be proud of. I’m rarey proud of myself. But i want God to guide this pen. I want light to guide this mind. I want passion to drive this body. I want connectivity to be at the core.

Forgiveness and gratitude.

I especially want to help carry her load. I don’t know if she can really see or feel that I view her burdens as my own. that i treat them with even more care than I’d treat my own. that i wear them as well as i can. that i see her. that i listen. that i care. that i’m willing to put the work in. that my plane will never crash under her weight. i’m made to be her brace. well yeah i’m signing off.
i got back to the house safe.

byeee

I no longer want to take for granted any part of the journey. Even these harder days and lonely nights. I wanted to enjoy this city in some capacity. I want to spend as much time as possible with My landlord and my best friend Zoe. I want to spend endless hours in skype calls. I want to smile and laugh. I want to make at least ONE friend. But all the same I will be grateful even if I make none and have to continue to be alone.

I will be sad about what it is I need to be sad about. I will let go of what no longer needs to carry forward with me. I will slow down when my body tells me to. I will speed up when life requires it. I will listen. I will learn. I will grow through all these failures .

I haven’t been too great recently. But… I’m going to keep going for me at least. No one else caring can’t be an excuse anymore. I need to care. I need to show up for me. I need to heal. I need to.

I’m proud of myself. I’ve been pulling through these daily breakdowns alone. Now it’s time to pick back up. Break outta this low period. Pull myself up. Be productive. Be strong. Be gracious. live in gratitude.

Thank you God.

Thank you MKB.

Thank you me.

Thank you life.

My heart’s as fragile as glass vases.
You were a piece of my mind’s anchor.
Now my peace of mind’s floating away… fleeting.
my confidence is ceasing.
you are probably the worst girl I could’ve got this deep with. 
The love i had was as bottomless as a the Kaiadas leap is.
now the darkness is my own,
but yet you’re the bane of my existence. 
You will stay tucked in my heart’s chamber of dirty secrets.

i’m just tryna stay in it.
letting my mind drift, losing trace of it.
i feel pathetic when i’m facing shit.
i can’t brighten you like they do.
everyone else just seems to free you.
tried my hardest but your walls are stronger than my chisel. 

i feel I’m at war with something i’ll never defeat.
trying not to fall back into the patterns of losing the lighter me.
everyone around me sting me with selfish intentions 
never sure who i should let in.
lost passions , have me trapped deep in my depression.

my heart make be black hole.
my pain sucking in the light from around me.
the hate we spew is sinful.
my only rock has crumbled away 
i guess the sadness gets to us all.

writing to clear all the pain.
to channel my mental rage.
i thought this here was my gift 
but maybe it’s just the catalyst to my Heartbreak’s anonymous.
i just wanna be happier than this.

I’d like to think I’ve grown since this piece called “bruised soul (throwaway)”. But hey now maybe some of it still rings true now?

The weight of my world is starting to sink me in. 
I wanna feel prioritized. 
My deepest fear came true, and yes I am inadequate. 
In all the ways that could matter in her heaven’s eye.

i never was deserving of the peek I had into paradise.
and my birthday showed me what I deserved is the nothing that I received. 

i steep in the depression, because it seems that happy isn’t tailored to fit me.
would you believe i thought i would be enough?
i hear you God.