This shit is getting heavy today.
Lonely and grey.
I thought depression was just raring its face.
But it looks like it’s here to stay.
The lowest point in my life since back in the day.
😞
✌🏻
I’ve been struggling to see.
Struggling to breathe.
Struggling to see the light within as the darkness surrounds me.
I help others through their days, then get abandoned to sit in my nights to carry my weight alone. Not even “is the anything i can do for you” after i’ve given my entirety to ensuring they’re okay. I look around and see nobody watching over me.
Here’s to no more instances of inner peace.
Here’s to being worth the nothing that I receive.
Here’s to drowning in this world alone :).
Sighs
I want her so bad it’s maddening.
What else is a dude to dude but keep to imagining.
A life where he’s the most promising option.
That’s theres no other choice …and it’s just him.
.
Derserving of nothing but hurting
And carrying the burden
Alone and alerted
to the damage i hold
🤫
There’s seems to be no cure for the pain I carry.
Maybe not enough time has passed me & maybe my brain’s too heavy.
from all the overthinking and having nobody to tame my panic.
at least I hate myself less with every day that passes.
guess i was never enough,
guess i failed all the tests.
i would have never been the man of somebody’s dreams i guess.
Today
A medium for the message.
Trying to keep my spirit in its cycle of cleansing.
Moving towards peace and my balance.
No longer running from myself when it really matters
bottled up emotions
overflowing under the pen’s therapeutic motion
and her beauty’s potion.
overcoming the mentality mountain that’s been looming over me. I have to stay hopeful.
Imy
I miss black bay on days like this.
I miss the cleansing properties its water held.
My soul was saved the day God sent guardian angels to me.
A reminder to cater to myself.
Nights like these i feel the undercurrent of my depressions. Tugging me from below the calm waters i carry on my exterior. Threatening to make a mess of my flesh. Whispering that i should give up in myself and let the negativity swallow me whole. Drown me. Fill my lungs with rageful breaths. Gasping for a version of me that becomes more fleeting with each moment.
The light dimming as i’m entering my life’s Bathypelagic zone. My fingers dancing across the keyboard to play tether to my drifting mind .
The rain falls as i walk home from work. Maybe this is all apart of one big segment of spiritual cleansing that i needed.
A reminder to call on God. To remember that harboring all these terrible tendencies and harmful habits could no longer serve me.
Not if I’m to withstand these rough seas I’m facing.
These turbulent waters shredded the dinghy that houses my psyche to pieces. And I’ve had to put in the long arduous hours building myself my own Bermuda sloop.
Nights like this feel like the end of me . The waves of emotions knock me. Capsize me. Turn my world upside down like i was Jack Sparrow at the World’s End.
I have to be my own hope. The sad truth is my damage is my responsibility to overcome. No one’s going to show up to throw me a life raft. Nobody is going to guard my life from the call of these hurricanes and monsoons. Not one person in this world will be the lighthouse that gives me hope and guides me towards those calmer seas.
I’m alone
At least my prayers attach themselves to the night sky. And God answers by painting them as the constellations that direct me across this never ending night.
Guide yourself David.
When you find the eye of the storm and calmer waters sit still and listen.
The sound of water playing tug-of-war with the shore always did serve as a remedy. The back end of the storm can sometimes do more damage than the beginning. The hull of my sloop is still incomplete. The healing comes much slower than the damage occurs. And i can’t sit and wait until i think its all better… I have to craft better.
I need to heal despite the the winds still battering at my emptied frame.
I need to tap into my inner Cutty Flam and build a ship that will withstand all. I need to treat myself with the same care and forgiveness i give to the person i love.
Before black bay there was Tilicho lake. And that’s what i told a friend was my favorite body of water.
Purity defined. MKB.
I’ve never seen anything more pristine. And that’s what i want my waters to look like moving forward in life.
And my peace will guide her to outer-space.
My work in her garden will send her words to the NY times.
I Will be the love that defines her soul’s code.
My healing will heal her and put her in that soft girl era.
I write to release📬. And i release to be the best servant to her and to God.
Play sorry Not sorry by Tyler…
Tbh
Very rare is an understatement.
She is the ground I plant my foundational seeds in, she holds the keys to my mind’s better places.
Yet she’s still the biggest challenge that i had to face.
but i love the taste of loving her.
she might be the only other person that could heal this hurt.
i have no problem putting all her feelings first.
The most beautiful love and the finest girl i could find inside our universe.
She’s the subject of my every poem ‘uni-verse’ could describe the entirety of my writing’s work.
she’s probably my wife in the making.
i lay myself down before God to be her Life’s strongest anchor.
No more time wasting. No more taking a chance at real love for granted.
i got the best so let me make it.
worth her time to love me…
ease her spirit cause she loves me
hold her down, and build her up, and free her mind cause she loves me.
and when she’s 90 … i hope her life was that much richer by having spent it right beside me.
Cater 2
Let me massage the knots in your spirit.
Let me love you til you know how to wear it.
i want you to feel me in you bones, until your troubles start disappearing.
I wanna be the sunlight peeking through when your cloudy days start clearing.
tell me how your day went i promise i wanna hear it.
every smallest thing, and every grand experience.
i love you
:;()(;;();(:(
Here to get my hands dirty.
To work the garden until the fruit has grown sweet and plenty.
until my work is paid back to me.
until someone hears my heartbeat and the pain i carry.
this broken melody.
a chosen pen but nobody is choosing me.
The words i write , to provide a light, a catalog so I never lose sight of D.
i bruise easily.
peace comes when we snooze.
skype calls to end the night we’re weaving our souls back into me and you beautifully.
the isn’t new to me.
it’s not a duty, i’m just the one for you and you the…
Dream Big 