Dream Big

Take a piece of my peace if it makes your path easier.
I use to think it would be me and her. 
Vs the world but i couldn’t have been more naive.
she was the girl of my dreams
yet i wasn’t even the man of her reality. 
My soul took a lot of damaging.
ask me how I managed?
even i don’t understand it.

oh well it’s me & me vs everything. 
I’m my own ride or die and my own back brace.
i’m my own “best thing”. 
I’m my own definition of my happy. 
I am a king.
so that’s how i’ll treat me.

I know you exist beyond what my mind can comprehend. I know there is no spiritual fissure within me that you cannot mend. I know there is no cage on my life that you couldn’t bend and allow me to find a new path. I am done hurting me. I believe in breaking free. I believe in you, and i believe in the you within me. Ensure there is no place for misplaced joy or faith or love dear Lord. I want to get it right from now on. I want to be someone you’d be proud of. I claim no more of this generational destruction. There’s nothing that your love and forgivness cannot fix. There’s nothing you cannot do. Therefore theres nothing i can’t do through you. Nobody will be able to destroy the me that i will become. No obstacle will be impossible to conquer. I will put in the work to prove i’m worthy of the blessings this prayers could bring to me:

Save me from a hole that i won’t be able to climb out of. Save me from a version of me that would be unsightly . Save me from all things that are unlike me. Save me from me.

How you ever felt truly unimportant? Like people downplay just how truly valuable you are? And they treat you like anybody can come through and do what you can? And you feel stupid for believing anyone would see your worth and honour that? Feel stupid for thinking someone would refuse to make you unimportant because you’re actually something rare in this world. You’re unmatched but people make you feel so easily replaceable.. like everything you are is easily found or replicated in this world. They could teach you that anyone will abuse you and treat you however as long as you’re serving them what they need. But they won’t even admit just how important what you bring is.

I’m dumb. But i’m starting to see i should no longer expect to be treated right. I might go the rest of my life never being treated right by others and that’s what it is…. Aye buh.

It’s me and you David. Me you and God. You really meant nothing to ..

I will always reach out my hand to save you from the fall at wits end.
But at the same time never again. 
If it means losing the better parts of me in the process.
Cause I was left to do all the work to heal my eviscerated heart alone.
I actually felt the pain of it being ripped from my chest.
Now my spirit is restless. 
Now I’m on my grand quest just to get my self belief back .
Maybe the change of seasons will bring about a change in my soul. 
Maybe the worst is over. 
Maybe this time i can hold on to my hopeful. 
But I still leak hopelessness sometimes.
I’m overly open.  
I give until I’m broken.
Nobody to hold me up.
There’s too many holes in the cup I pour from.
I’m recharging from the warm spring Sun. 
The price of my attention has gone up.

I

I may have been one of the ugliest men on earth. Nonono not the way you may think. I dont mean physically.

I’m talking about my tendencies. The way i talked. I listened but did i care to hear? I hurt cause I was hurting I was childish. I was destructive and falling into my destruction. I was as angry as the household I grew up in. The temperament of my parents became me. The only ways I knew how to react were no good yet I was carrying them into my young adulthood.

And it didn’t matter that this was how I was shown to interact with the world. Whenever you disagree you strike. Thats what my upbringing taught me. I didn’t know where to place my hatred. How to be healthy in discussing my feelings. I didn’t know how to talk about my insecurities. I didn’t know how to say I felt O was being treated unfairly so I waited in silence until I would lashed out in terrible ways.

I was just light enough that the beast inside me could remain contained for the most part.

But I was still heavy enough that it could slip out in my worst moments. But i didnt want to be the totality of all that boiled beneath my nonchalant exterior. I never wanted to be who i saw myself becoming in the pandemic. I never wanted to be as ugly as the person I was seeing looking me back in the mirror.

But I was saved by kindness. I was saved me love. By someone accepting my flaws and loving me regardless. By someone putting up with my lows and trying to bring me to my highs. Thats the beauty I found. And the beauty I lost. But I grew enough to know the beast isn’t me. So even in my loss I will choose to be the beauty I once got to experience.

I’m both dumb and dumber.
Hopefully my heart doesn’t grow numb.
but i would understand if my heart said it was done.

I started to become what was in my immediate surroundings. I started to confine myself to what the cage around me limited me to be. Angry and bitter…biting my tongue when I’m mad, running away from my sadness. I started to see the 21 miles I grew up in as the full extent of my potential. i started to believe the bars around my heart would mean i would never know true love. I started to believe the Seal that cages my mind from expanding would be all I knew. All The cage shattering experiences I had were all fleeting and ungraspable parts of my memories because everyday life had become mundane. Monotonous. Stripped of light. Stripped of love. Stripped of who i wanted myself to be. I was going to fall victim to things that weren’t my fault. Reality followed me into my sleep every-night. Nightmares meant sleep went from 7 hours to 5 and then from 5 to less than 3. Well thats another cage that will become me.

Everything I wanted to be was outside the cage i knew. My sadness had become me. My short temper was resurfacing. My insecurities had a choke hold on my mental.

So i write.

I write because i remember the Animorph book series. My clipped wings don’t mean i can’t fly. And my blurred vision doesn’t mean i can’t see clearly again. Whether thats through help. Or time. Or new experiences… i write to remind myself that I am what these words expect me to be. I write because I am a caged bird than cannot sing. I write to help myself find my wings. I wanna do right by this life thing.

Call me crazy .
Or call my writing lazy.
But it’s always been you baby. 
You’re what my soul’s craving. 
You haunt my dreams like this was a Wes Craven.
creation. 
And you’re proof of the divinity in God’s makings.
I think I’ve been getting this love thing right lately. 
You’ve always been the right lady. 
My Mind’s racing.
thinking about what it would take to spend forever in your light taking…
in all the nutrients that your life gave me.
hey lovah. Let’s get this love thing tight maybe?

It’s inexplicable the way my heart sings when you smile. And what a feeling it is to know I’m the reason behind it. It’s like I’m a bank robber in the most intense heist movie. The you that you want to be is still locked inside your heart’s vault. And all the layers of hard life lessons you’ve accumulated laid out before me as laser traps or impossible safe combinations or armed guards. And how Am I supposed to crack the code.

I call you CheriMya because you’re the rarest one. I know the weight your safe holds is a generational thing. It’s learned behaviours and environmental shaping. It’s every negative bit of yourself. But each day I patiently work my way through your bank of emotions. Floor by floor clearing out what needs to leave. And I’d work this heist until my fingers no longer worked if it meant for even one second you got to walk your life in light. Knowing what I Know of you. That you’re unmatched, talented, smart and the only source of validation you need.

Jordan Ward said “Patience. These curses on generations… Lets fall back in love and break em. nothings past the conversation … There’s always space for you”

And I hope my heist helps you free what’s locked behind your vault door. The you that you want to be in five years. A flourishing garden. Rather than falling to the cruelties of the world. You forgive yourself and be who you want. Maybe the peace I bring to your life is all you need. And learning to love yourself is the key to living good within that. Idk.

You can never be truly lonely when God’s beside you.
When you let him guide you.

Just work to heal the inner youth that lies within your hidden truths. 
It’s the heavy lifting that you really gotta do. 

it’s the inner mission that will provide you proof. 
That you’re enough.

because enough is something that you’ve never been.
you’ve only ever been the laughing stock or the easiest target. 
Your peace is only as far as you place it.
you gonna look your better ways in their face and take them.

nobody could ever have wanted David. 
And that’s just something i have to be okay with.