Dream Big

I look back on the last 6 years and damn. I’ve come much further than I thought I ever would. But damn, I’m still in such a bad place.

My heart’s crushed.

My spirit is deflating.

My confidence is gone.

Before you leave, consider the unpaid damages. 
Your tab still holds the bill for this broken heart. 
You took your love and drifted far, I wanna fall into my villainy. 
Loving you felt like it to me, how many moments until Time forgives a debt? 
Blinded to what could've been next, confided in my misanthropic self.
My declining wealth, God gave me a glimpse of hell to set me right. 
My spirit sinks into the still of the night, I feel alone. 
Troubled, living lonely in a supposedly loving home. 
Counting the days until, I'm with snake again. 
Laugh in my face at how well you played my controller with your henious hands.

I’m forever now stained as less than another man.

But that was your choice of game to play.

Who cares anyway?

Blessed to step into every day with life and opportunity.
Through life's harsher lessons I'm moving with truancy.
The only real reason depression was always so true to me.
Was because it was never new news to me. 
This is heriditory sadness I'd see in my mama's eyes. 
I learned from my brother's hands. 
All the sadder part of this troubled history.
Boomerang your spirit back to me. 
That's the sad reality residing on the other side of free.

Beauty that stops time. 
Reminders of God's creative patience.
Ethereal and superlunary face. 
The universe's favorite. 

Like cracking a window through my life’s most destructive hurricane. You relieved the pressure building inside me.

You plugged the hole where my self-love was leaking from. And although I had nothing left to refill myself with, your presence reminded me that maybe it was okay to try. For me. The least I deserved was my own love even if I deserved not one other thing from this life.

Maybe there’s truth in the daily degradation you shoot at me. How you feel about me clearly still a larger reflection of how I’ve felt about me for a longer time still.

You hate me more than you hate the world. Your words remind me of that. Of how terrible I am. Of how I have nothing good to offer. Of why it was warranted for me to live the isolation and panic the pain provided me.

Fuck a mirror, I still don’t like what I see anyway.

Take it day by day.

Loving her is light work.
I was just bred into a fighter's temperment.
I want to be like the father but couldn't capture it.
Instead I'm more like the sins of my father.
I carry more than his likeness. 
Who could sit with me while I fight this?
My guardian angel standing tight lipped. 
No hell could punish me more than the turmoil I purposely survive in. 
I watch sunrises with no sleep. 
My mind betrays me. 
I paid too high a tax for dancing where the light can't reach. 

Silent and Solemn, whilst staying glued to my problems. 
The pen ink dissolving into the page is my solvent. 
I'm at a loss of friends since I lost the friend that held me accountable. 
Can this hurt be refundable? 

Lost and Found myself in the destructive patterns of a fatal first love.
Never felt a lonliness as heavy as the moments I fasted from our damaged delights.
Two dancers whose intertwining groove never fit right. 
A recipe for violence I knew from my parent's marriage dimming light. 
My misplaced anger. 
The sign said Open Hearted but  seceretly filled with self-hatred bottled explosive danger. 
I can't pay pennance for the hurt I authored.
I can't save us from the crashing course.
Products of broken homes, trying to build from pourous cores.
Having yet to realize all the troubled tendencies our inner children had absorbed.
And all the paradigms of human memory we would walk in. 
The feelings tucked away that could've been fixed with us talking. 
Hurtful moments I'm caught in.
The dumb shit I relive.
North york winters, my heart's covered in scar tissue while my mental's evolving. 

My pain cowers me within its chokehold.
I've afforded power to the devils I did and don't know.
I tilled and showered the environments in which I won't grow. 
I lost touch with who I wanted to be.
From wishing I wasn't in the skin that I carry. 
These listless shoulders too heavy.
She's the wishlist soul that I'd marry.
The pen tip click, shows that I'm heading into the right space. 
I'm lost you then lost myself, that's the battle i'm still fighting.
These silent cries for help, watching the numbers drop on God's timing.
Working to plug where my confidence leaks.
and then life throws me reminders of he and everything I never could be.

Was in the loop of life's cycle 
but found solace in the lowest point. 
I'm low low low.
If you cracked the pages in the crevaces on my brain it'd only be her that you'd know.
I know nobody could say the about me. 

Fell in love with your highs
Stuck in the hardening grip of your low downs.
I'm my own biggest foe now.
I can't look past the image that what was better shut the show down. 
And now I'm the janitor picking uo the scraps of what real Love left behind. 
I'm nothing but darkeness to y'alls sunlight.

Hold me back.
These days my energy's spent wishing I was another man.
I analyzed God's plan to show me I'm disposable and undeserving. 
I wouldn't wish my thoughts to even fall into mt adversary's hands. 
Would you still have me ?