Dream Big

Got too many scratches on my stainless steel mental.
No wonder for me to get to my healing i had to spill metal.
I’m still unsure of how to stop my spirit from bleeding.
When i close my eyes … the image of him haunts everything that i believe in.
I really hope i can lay his grip on me to rest before the end of this season.

As I watch the old me FALL.

there’s no reprieve while I’m dreaming. 
Every night, night mares trot through. 
i burn the midnight oil cause im literally fearful.
of the pain my subconscious mind can bring to the surface. 
Was love really worth this?

Life is more rejections than happiness.
Sitting with my reflection all i see is emptiness.
Most nights I’m not enough.
I’m calling love’s bluff.

Writing these stanzas.
For all the times I lose stamina.
and can’t flow through life’s dances.
While developing my own stances.

I’m growing out of my past. 
And plodding through the different pathways. 
I’m tryna lay these sins to rest before i meet my last days.
Unsure of where this road takes me.

The future has to be lighter than the weight of my mistakes.
I’m reaching for greatness.
And if it’s in my grasp I promise David’s gonna take it. 

When I’m facing problems I just lash out.
But I’d rather laugh now.
If it’s me and you, I’ll take your pain and all its lashings.
Then at least your demons wouldn’t have to act out.

Life is just differing variations of the truth.
I’m not above all the mistakes we’ve grown accustomed to. 
I just want a fresh start.
and to move on from all my worst ways I was stuck in too.

I’m need to part ways with whatever doesn’t serve God’s purpose for me.
My life’s mission is incomplete, 
if her spirit isn’t moving in tandem with me.
There’s too many pages of lines and thoughts from D that the world never should see.
Every time the pen bleeds,
I gain more insight inevitably.

I made a bad religion out of questioning my worth.
I thought love gave definition to the man that I am.
Even the purest church could wash me clean from these waves full of sins.
I just need to pull myself away from this stagnant stage that I’m in.

Again and again.
I’m saved by the pen.
But also torn by the words.
My heart’s breaking and then
My future and my past throw haymakers like heavyweights in this bitch.
Is this even manhood if my inner child hasn’t had his phases of wins?

I hope that filling these pages with my soul cement my adolescent’s healing. 
Looking at the two hand prints I left in the driveway of my old house and my layers start peeling.

I just need healthier ways to escape from my all that I’m feeling.
The pad and the ocean breezes are my only reprieving. 
Unseen damages erased from the page like messages never sent that I deleted.
All that I can be can’t be all that I’m seeing. 
I kmow that the ink blotches gives my depression’s journey its meaning.
This is a shattered heart giving light to dark nights when my happy is fleeting.
I held on to my demons too long now I think I’m scared to release them.
Or maybe I feel like I need em.
Thinking bout all the blessings I lost since I started to send prayers less frequent.
All the sharpened shards that my soul caught must left my spirit leaking & bleeding.
Too many days in the mirror I can’t seem to find D-Simms.
Did I just misplace him or did I leave him?
My mental guard strengthens as my heart’s walls start to weaken.
Cause I started to accept any and everything, especially things not worth keeping.
Who wants a love that feels like climbing to Everest’s peak?
I want a love I can geek in.
I look love in her face and lost faith in her planted seedlings.
The rotted fruit I was eating fell far from my tree. 
And now whoever I was has been lost for too many seasons. 
Losing myself was self treason. 

I had to learn to conquer my father’s rage.
I had to out grow my mother’s words.
And overcome my young lover’s hurt.
And learn to put in the work.
To grow through these growing pains.
Because we grown now and staying stuck in my troubled ways…
Is simply not on the pages.
This journal’s my only company on my darkest of days.

I abandoned my emotions.
Because I felt like a burden if I showed them.
Now I’m a not so young man that’s still shattered and broken.
But to sit in my heartache doesn’t serve where I’m going.
I use to pull the curtain and isolate in the darkness since I’m lonely.
But these words are written to share my failures and successes of growing.
Keeping pain quiet could make suffering feel quite homely.
I started to trick myself into believing my hurt was my home. 
I thought for certain I was defined by all the heartless stints I was showing.

But I had to protect myself while I healed.
I had to learn to sit still.
Even with laboured breathing during the nights that were sleepless.
I started to believe the state of hurt I was in was needed.
And deserved because of the person i was growing into being.

But watch me now…

The inspiration for this longer piece …

Dancing with the devil has long lost its appeal.
I’m tired of fighting these arduous uphill battles. 
Love humbled me but I should’ve known better.
I know my soul’s been battered.
 
I always did have to learn my lessons the hardest way.
Wish i was spiriting away my problems but i’m scared of who i’d be if i threw my heart away.
I’m also scared of my father’s DNA.
it seems like I’d rather these cycles and circles instead of operating in safer spaces.
I no longer want to feel this pain.
But i know i may be better off as the man it’s making. 

I have a few more mistakes left to make sadly. 
The stakes raise as i age, the margin for error is thinning, and time’s passing.
Repeating regression has no place in my life’s progression.
Aggressive and intentional with my mind’s mending. 

The days faint and waver…
Aint no more saints left to save him 
No more answers from God for my sinner’s prayer.
I will clear a path until i’m seated at the winners table.

You can break my heart if you want. 
A million times over. 
I was a punching bag and I showed Her.
I know i’d be better off as a loner.
the pain is as dark as I wrote it.

I hope my spirit rests with no regrets. 
I hope the beauty you find in yourself is powered by you alone.
But if you need me I hope you find me in all the little things. 
In the spaces where coincidence and timing align too perfectly.

I hope she finds the power in calling herself her own home. 
I hope the universe takes it easy on all the damaged seedlings I would leave.
And replenishes them with my scattering energy.  
But only if tomorrow starts without me.

But since I occupy your today. 
Even if through these words alone.
Cherish the package i’m presenting. 
And I promise to protect and honour all of yours. 
Because i hope the premise of this prompted poem is yet still a distant thought.

The malice took a chokehold of my soul when i need it most.
I lost all sight of the man i wanted to be.
Negative tendencies became my only remedy.
It’s just me and the man i’ve never have been.


I reach out for a hand that was interlocking with five different fingers.
There’s no place for me on these stormy seas.
The only picture I could paint is one of comparing myself to the man I never could be.
I know a lot of key ingredients are missing from the recipe.
If her dinner plate is sat adjacent to me.

I know I’m not the man that she misses.
Or the man she wants her life partner to be.
Can I at least receive a little honesty please?

I’m relearning myself through all these low extremes.
Whatevers below “rock bottom” is where you find me hiding.
I dont wanna let this feeling consume me or to define me.
There’s no changing all the damage i’ve seen. 
It’s time to let go of the man I never could be. 

And find a champion in the mirror.
And be okay with learning every lesson I’ve been scared of.
I have to accept that shit happens and now love myself fearlessly. 
And erase the man I never have been from the front pages of my memory. 

P.S.

It’s time to start running. Time to stop hoping that things could have been different than what they were. They weren’t. People were who they showed themselves to be. Pain was unbearable at times. But now you’re on the other side. Hoping and praying that if it was different it would be okay won’t change what has been done. Stop giving CPR to a death that is already done. Let the rotten things rot. And nurture the newly germinated seedlings. And instead of running away, wishing you could go back and get it right, or trying to ignore it hoping it stays hidden David…. Man up and take the steps to overcome the past. For you. For a better future. For those few true good moments you can still make in this life. For second chances. But make sure you claim the second chance and refuse to make the same mistakes again. The work is hard. The road is bumpy. The hills are “sexy bum hill” high. But what’s any of that to a man who touched Thorongla Pass?

The past doesn’t have to define you. It can guide you, strip you, teach you, break you. But today is the day to build…. To mold your future.

I lost contact with myself.
Pouring my soul into the wrong vessels.
I’m a shell of who I was in my better mental. 
Felt like I needed you. 
Wish I could free myself from the cycles of harshness.
I know now that I was the only one giving a real loving.
I realize that there’s no place for me but the sadness and darkenss.

I guess loving me taught her what loving isn’t.
It’s not the task she sees loving me as. 
And it’s not a prison.
I’m empty calories and I’m sure he’s the whole pyramid.