Dream Big

Asking God to direct this gift. 
Sin costs, the bill's long... the devil's debt colllectors have been sent for me.
Can't afford to step into a new year, cycling the same destructive tendencies.
Tenderly giving into connection. 
Iniquity underlying the sadness in my reflection. 
Reflecting on the darker places this journey's taken me. 
And replacing them with grasping hold of what's on the plate for me. 
I misplaced my happiness, 
Then mispoke the pain I hold venomously. 
Wish I could track down my heart's vendor 
And get a refund on these faulty goods.

Helping your soul's mission is my sole mission.
You looked through me and told me my soul' missin.
Sold a perception of a happy living.
My mama's hands clasped, praying peace over the scraps I'as given. 
Couldnt play the victim, if these hands can fix it.

Uncharted domain.
Tapping into the happy in me.
The well's emptier than I remember.  
The result is I'm alone in what makes it no easier.
I hold you close but still feel defeated. 
Love took its taxing toll on my mental.
Truly lacking any connection to vent to.
The secrets only known to this notes app or pencil. 
The pressure of two hearts that are meant to be. 
Tired legs from the rocky road ahead of me.
Don't you know I breathe you. 
Ths world collapsed into the passion I found here. 
The demons creep in the darkness I can't expunge. 
I knos the cost cause I paid it all these 31 sum trips around the sun..

 

I know the cost cause I paid it all these 31 trips around the sun....

I hide the monster that I am behind these blistered hands.
I'm burdened in the heavy of this uncatered to broken heart.
The smile I wear a facade, I know karma taxed me.
Navigating the awkwardness of the space between being two worlds apart.

Time heals all, but the debts too grand.
Imagine a temporal bank statement this long. 
The reaper laughed at the cards in my hands.
So I started searching within.
but the peaceful waves hold uncurrents of anger.
Nonchalant through spiritual danger but resolute in the lesson learned.
I hold the pain close to dispose these words.
And the words get held tighter because they're all I have.
My happy comes in patches through the looking glass. 

Buyer beware this is damaged goods.
Simmering in supressed pain. 
This level of unbothered is just a thinning thread, coin flip from explosive. 
Nobody notices the empty, 
Everybody's shocked when you clap back.
"I didn't know" the quiet, timid one had that much depth of retaliation in him. 
I couldn't be seen until the last call. 
I'm the one that you laugh at, then call on when shit hits the ceiling, windows and the walls. 
Then you forget about me when convenience means reciprocity. 
I'm not enough, it's easy to push my decomposing mental to the side and flee. 
Fall back into what hurts you and then repeat the cycle. 
And drag me along, for the light I provide. 
Then snuff mine like survivor tribe. 
This is my redemption island arc.
The pen the suture, my confidence the scar.

Resenting what pain made me.
I let myself down, that's a hole too whole to plug.
Residing within the shattered bonds of a lost first and last love.
I sat in the hurt's wake, naive to think that this weak heart would hold me. 
This muscle's empty chambers, full of secrets I can't keep. 
But yet I have to. 
The pad reflects you. 
The Heaven God stripped from me, for dancing with iniquity.
The "I tried to warn you" lessons.
The ink bleeds like blood from my wounded soul.
Lost hold of the dreams I wouldnt never know. 
Felt the pain of the severed ties. 
Too tethered unwisely. 
Recovery from the fall is suprisingly hard, 
relying solely on time passed.
And the light of better friends that I outlasted. 
All of which shaped me into a master of self hate and manipulating the ones around me. 

And pondering my worthy.

All whilst the light in me quit.

So tell me a sin I didn't commit.
Watching my spirit tumbling off the limestone cliff face.
The demons yell whaddup twin, wading in Black Bay's surf wake.
I'm steeping inside of the mess that we made.
All the habits we never could quit.
Apricity breaking the trance that i'm in.
Loosened winter's stricr grip 

Left by pains indelible print. 
My spirit's shaking within
I'm growing through all the defeat, sitting silent in windows (win though)

Soul searchin in the love that deserted me. 
Asking for different outcomes from the same heart that left me bare. 
Any moment could be the last breath. 
I'm forever tainted as the lover that's less grand. 
Buyers beware. 
These are damaged goods.
There's something much netter out there. 
I could never compare.

Delaying the progress.
Anchored myself to the lows.
Swimming against my healing current's flow .
It's tipping my boat.
I lost track of the truths I always did know.
The foundation for home crumbling under my replacable bones. 
Disposable Dave the epithet, I could never outgrow. 
Taking a moment, sit still in my lonely. 
I need the precious piece of peace the pen tries to shows me.
For all my broken hearted fragment's that this path's stolen.
Paid a heavy toll for the purchased sin I participated heavily in. 
I couldn't atone, without experiencing rock bottom, my inner sediment spinning. 
The water in the atoll, my barrier's thinning. 
Reconnecting with God's light and the topic of winning. 
Simply stated, live felt less worth livin when she wasn't in it.
I never felt more uneasy than experiencing the lost of her spirit. 

I'm undoubtably broken.
I stood in her sillage. 
Hoping through hopeless. 
Entelechy within eremition. 
Pillage my pleasure, from it's semi-permanent prison. 

And work my way back to me.

And work my way back to me.

I look back on the last 6 years and damn. I’ve come much further than I thought I ever would. But damn, I’m still in such a bad place.

My heart’s crushed.

My spirit is deflating.

My confidence is gone.

Before you leave, consider the unpaid damages. 
Your tab still holds the bill for this broken heart. 
You took your love and drifted far, I wanna fall into my villainy. 
Loving you felt like it to me, how many moments until Time forgives a debt? 
Blinded to what could've been next, confided in my misanthropic self.
My declining wealth, God gave me a glimpse of hell to set me right. 
My spirit sinks into the still of the night, I feel alone. 
Troubled, living lonely in a supposedly loving home. 
Counting the days until, I'm with snake again. 
Laugh in my face at how well you played my controller with your henious hands.

I’m forever now stained as less than another man.

But that was your choice of game to play.

Who cares anyway?

Blessed to step into every day with life and opportunity.
Through life's harsher lessons I'm moving with truancy.
The only real reason depression was always so true to me.
Was because it was never new news to me. 
This is heriditory sadness I'd see in my mama's eyes. 
I learned from my brother's hands. 
All the sadder part of this troubled history.
Boomerang your spirit back to me. 
That's the sad reality residing on the other side of free.