What is it about the sunset that draws me close?

Every long, sea breeze fulled summer night at 7:30 my spirits tugs me to be outside. I get the urge to ride to Whale Bay, Gibbs Hill, Black Bay. It’s like my atoms are longing for her.

The sun once promised to heal my tender heart. The warming of my soul. To energize me when I feel low. To listen to my cries and return back a message that I’ll be alright.

I try to get others to join me when the sun rests. I send my appreciation to her daily right before she peaks past the horizon. Her day’s task of lighting our paths can’t be easy up in the sky alone.

Meet me where the sun sets. Where the horizon literally spreads like garlic butter on Red Lobster Cheddar Bay biscuits. Here you’ll find yourself. Reconnect with what the sun wants you to know about you. This is when her light is kindest. Here is where her light hits you in a way that would make you feel better about your appearance. The golden hour. But here is where we must also take time to show gratitude. To every experience. To every lesson learned.

Meet me where new beginnings start. The sun sets as do our problems of the day. The sun comes back around the next day to cleanse us anew. Everyday a gift to reach for a clean slate. Okay i messed up yesterday, today’s it’s me and the sun against my failures.

Let’s focus on improving ourselves through each sunset. And accept each sunset’s beauty. Sometimes it swallows the sky whole, just like my problems swallow me. Sometimes the colour illuminates only in-front of me as twilight takes over the rest of the sky. Just like my problems on that day may be small, fleeting, forgiving.

Speaking of forgiving let’s learn from the sun’s love. Each day the sun shines on us. Even through cloudy, stormy, unsure times. Despite whatever we may be going through. Let’s forgive ourselves same way. Shine through our struggles. Love ourselves like the sun loves us daily.

Meet me at a sunset and I’ll share your burden. I’ll share what the sun gives me with you. A open heart, a bit of light, a chance to start over. Each night I can be your sunset and each morning i’ll be your sunrise.

I ask the sun to shine her love on those closest to me. To let her daily meeting with the horizon heal my love ones the way it heals me. For them to take pictures in sunset lighting and see the truest beauty they possess.

Next sunset go outside and take a selfie. I’ll try to do the same. Remind yourself that you’re strong and beautiful. Remind yourself that you are loved. Remind yourself that there is light for you. Some days it will be the tiniest ray peeking through, others you’ll feel overwhelmed by the love you’re receiving. Some days it will be you having to remind yourself or your worth, it’s hard, trust me I know. Other days you might be sitting in a restaurant and the waitress serving you might catch you by surprise by calling you really beautiful. Take it as it comes. Believe it when your hear. Allow the sun into your soul.

Life’s a mystery yes. Sometimes it’s not worth trying to figure out. Sometimes the simplest answers are the best. Sometimes the sun is all you need.

I love you David. Enjoy tonights sunset. Whomever wants to meet me there is welcome. i’ll greet you with an open heart.

~the fewture

Time waits for no man 
The reapers lurking around the corner with my expiry date in her hands.
what if i leave this life full of regrets. 
And lost loves.
and lost friends.
or no meaning to whatever becomes of my end.
tell the reaper to hold off so i could enjoy just a tad bit more of this girl’s love. 
My happiness smudges 
because lately the tears been running amok.
shouts out to the lost of us. 

Who’s Wufless. Me..

Who do you turn to when few have your back?

Worthless and Worth-less. Winning becomes a priority when all you do is lose. Worshiping another soul tends to take its toll.

Understanding… Understanding… Understanding. Underappreciation comes with the territory.

Forgiveness of the self is step one. Forgiving isn’t easy though.

Life lessons get taught in cruel ways. Learned behaviour leaves you stagnant at times, unable to achieve the growth thats needed. Ls become tbe norm.

Explanations are needed to make progress, to reconnect. Energy is drained and invested, sometimes in the wrong places. Everything goes wrong. Elation is hard to come by.

Selfness becomes harder. Save me please. Selling myself short kills my confidence. Stupidity plagues me.

Someone listen to me on my worst days. Surely I’m worth the investment. Silly of my to assume otherwise. Somebody will help me rekindle my worth. Something will help me connect to my better ways. Somehow this love Im pouring will be poured back into me.

Question : Top 3 summer moments so far?

Scary.

I am drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper into my darker ways. Light eluding me as I fall deep like Daniel Kaluya. I don’t even remember which way is up?

Is the tug of war between my heart and brain ever gonna let up? Which is the anchor pulling me down? And which is the live vest trying to pull me back to the surface? To the light.

The deeper I sink. The more I lose me. I start to question myself. Judging my appearance, wondering what I’m doing wrong. I even ask if I hold any value at all.

I was close to the edge anyway before I slipped and fell. The treacherous waves and deep blue enchanted sea can’t be all that bad. I feel like Ariel watching Ursula poison my Eric. I feel like Ariel losing parts of myself.

As I sink I settle into this feeling more. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe my best will never be enough. The ocean reassures me that if I’m going to suffocate, it might as well be of my own doing.

Maybe this is a new rock bottom I’m approaching. I swam my way back outta this once before. This time I gotta support myself. At least the pad has never left my side. Even when our relationship gets hard.

God reassured me I’d be okay. And that’s allowed me to check for everyone else. But I’ve been made disposable. So I’ll keep me for me. There’s one person that checks for me out here. Otherwise no one deserves what I’m putting out. Or I’ll keep drowning

Emotional highs.
The come down is steepening.
Mastering within the lows,
So the highs taste that much much sweeter.
I crash harder now that a few screws hang looser.
My past whispers to me 
keeping me in a chase of duck duck goose.
Grey clouds, downing bottles of toxicity.
Going through more change recently 
Than laundry machinery. 
Still spinning in the same cycles though,
Running away and staying the same.
My mental decline is the only defining factor of summer days.
Just wanna give back to the nature that’s participating in healing me.
And the person who contributed to me living my most free.

Hi.

Song of the Post Doo Wop : That Thing just sit and listen to the lyrics.

These are the nights I let the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill play in the background. I let the soundtrack of my childhood take me back to a purer place. Before the words struck so deep a chord in my spirit. Before Doo Wop could sway my soul. I use to let Ex Factor take control before I even had a hint of what pain the lyrics could hold. The soundtracks of my youth hold such special places in my heart.

These are the nights I rely on Tyler The Creators Tiny Desk. I reflect on the last time I felt this low. Back when the words to Bastard and Pigs Fly defied my defiance. My trouble ways. My almost detrimental mistakes. But I also think of my Novembers. The highs that came after 2016. The better times that Flower Boy met me in.

These are the nights I let Smino’s Lee & Lovie remind me of what it is my heart calls for. It reminds me of my 2022. It reminds me of her. Of YOU. Someone for sure thats been on my mind Modennaminute. A rare soul.

These are the nights I let Daniel Caesar ask me “Are You Okay?” I sit unresponsive. I set pensively until I can with a response that reflects the Best Part of my day. Intentionally being positive. Intentional focusing on the good. Maybe Freudian slipping an instance of pain along the way. I’m nowhere near perfect.

These are the nights I’m thanking for scholarship interviews. And scholarship money. And buying new dress shoes and Mya calling me a Big Stepper. I’m just a flawed man battling with Father Time. Working on overcoming my Fear. It’s Now or Never to let this Black Boy Fly.

These are the nights I let Frank and Mr. Benjamin guide me through my loneliness. Just me on my Solo dolo. Missing the Pink Matter secretly, but also sharing sentiments with Ms. Jackson second verse. Wishing Godspeed to my demons because God’s the one supporting me through the battle. And Ky, she deserves her flowers.

These are the nights I feel the culmination of my depression and let music heal me. Let it strip me down and destroy me. Let the lyrics sit. Let it All Fall Down.

Shout out to tougher lessons but also shout out to the outcomes that will be worth the growth. I love y’all. Be good. Reach out if you need a person to speak to.

Speeding through the lows.
Running away from what really matters.
It sometimes just seems easier to pick up the pieces after than to face it 
So I let shit shatter.
I’m tryna do better. 
Better than the me of yesterday. 
How much longer do I plan to jog in one place?
One step at a time because I have to move past my worsening ways.
Maybe my time is borrowed and this is my one chance to get it right.
Underhanded deals with the Reaper to just give me one more night.
Underhanded lobs hoping someone can alley-oop my happiness.
Using my past to predict what may come after this. 
The moment becomes harder to exist in.
Words sting more than jellyfish venom
Venomous words spray,
better duck before the strays do you damage.
No matter the message. 
It’s sometimes hard to see past a hardened heart.
I’m just trying my best to,
Be the best me and invest in the things that truly do matter. 
Thanks to the most High and My. 
And any other things that teach me the toughest of lessons.