Close
Start up Close to You ¬ Frank Ocean.
The closer i try to get to all that’s around me. the lonelier I feel. The hardest it seems to make friends, maintain relationships, or find anyone that values me.
And as important as self love is… sometimes I desire the love of others around me. I desire to be close to…
This Period is actually hot ass… my roomates are testing my thinning nerves. The assistant manager at work is a dictator. I used up a lot of my energy giving to others. And now I have to recharge myself alone. The four walls of my room offer no solace. My best friend is my landlord’s dog. And I appreciate her for being excited to see me everytime i go upstairs. But then I hurt more because I don’t feel that with any person.
As close as I was getting to myself these past few months. I realize i’m more disconnected than ever. I allowed myself to sustain so much damage. I don’t even recognize the fragments of myself right now. I’m shattered.
I sit and stare at the city lights. The smallness of it all amongst the BC mountains. I’m small. I’m a literal speck. This blog is my only legacy. I’m closer to God.
The Karma I’m receiving is only right. The heaviness of this reciprocity is hard to stand against.
So… as i close certain chapters and get closer to the lonely i was pre 2016
at least this time i tried to get close to something special.
And if 2024 is no new friends, and dry phones, and lonely, sleepless nights listening to my roomates alarm blare for 7 hours straight… i might just
The Knight in Rusting Armor
A knight has fallen.
I’ve been building up an appetite for standing for David.
Stepping outta the trenches of self hatred.
To reach those better days that are laid in God’s pavement.
Late payments were made of my life’s card lately.
My overdrawn balance declines and it’s finally timing to save me.
But i’m Running thinner on patience.
I lay my soul on the lines because it’s my sinners attempt at escaping.
This is every late night and every vision im wasting.
And every dream i have to pack up on the shelf that stays unboxed and untaped.
I assume the ambitions i laid will probably rotten away.
Winter’s days have me ashy as the demons im cremating.
I stood toe to toe with my devil and told him his plan was amazing.
But i’m an anime kid and every show that i watch tells me a good heart is unfazing.
And no weapon should prosper
and with the armor i plot to dress myself in there could be no penetrating.
I spent this last day making everyone else around me smile,
but i realize i spent all i got wearing my most fake of my faces.
And i don’t have the Arya bag to keep the faces from fading.
But i carry along cause these waters are worth wading.
And God’s lent strength is amazing,
and what i spend i might reap one day and if not i still gave it through grace
And… what if i’m worthy of all the things i allowed myself to forget i deserved and all the things i started to hate.
The silence in my night is noted and heard.
The parapet holding me back from collapse dissipated.
But leaving my soul on a track is how i keep my will from escaping.
And yeah im a knight in rusty armor.
Boring and safe
in the worst ways
and not good enough for one new friendship to pave way or harbor.
And no one to anchor my spirit to the realm i contemplate leaving and this shit is heavy weighted
Someone sprayed pesticide in my seedlings and now my garden needs weeding before it withers away.
Sprinting away the problems im facing.
.
And like Tanzania phase 3 i feel an itch i feel i can’t place
Whats left for a knight that has finally fallen from grace?
lonely
cue: Flight of the Navigator by Childish Gambino….
it’s lonely as fuck out this life for me huh
no truer words
no truer words tbh. Used and abused.
Destroyed and disposed.
hate
people really are nasty, cruel, self-centered, vile beings out here.
people will be quick to try and destroy you even when you do nothing to them, even if you do everything for them.
people will lie to your face daily and use you and squeeze you dry and then wonder why you have to try and go get some water afterwards.
people will always take everything they can. even if it was you last breath.
why do people have to be some destructive and shitty, and horrible?
is it because they hate themselves so they need you to hate yourself too?
oh well my will is goneeeeeeeeee. So yeah…… Goodbye y’all.
ps: ihy bud, y’all win 🙂
the opportunity to love her keeps me going everydamnday
i literally embarrass myself daily.
this sucks
i just want to be good enough.
for anything.
anyone.
anywhere.
and really David I’m sorry you haven’t had the chance to feel like enough yet in your 28 years. but maybe 29 will be better for you? so stay some sort of hopeful.
try.
it always sucks to be you ik.
nothing ever feels good about being David.
you’re weird, unlikeable, strange, worthless, can’t make one new friend. one valuable connection. hey.
survive this.
if you can
~these and many more are the thoughts that consume me nightly.
and im all alone
Growing Up.(Teach me to love).
Walking the well worn lane. The dead ending road of self hatred, loneliness and shame. Only you hold the oxygen that could ease my chest's pain. Spiraling down the four-star drain. Until somebody came and saved me. Lahai the soundtrack of 3am blues. I'm tumbling down the scaffold trash chute. Emotions flying loose. My tongue too. Tbh These are the days I find myself needing you. No one to turn to. But also there's no one I rather run to. I had to lose the biggest part of me. To see the irony in what i was using to define my self-valuing. The sadness of Truancy in s2 days, Was resurfacing in destructive ways. I'm looking to find better ways to say, that I refuse to hold in what's been damaging. Bettering my best. My troubled ways are worth abandoning. Abandoned and Alone the adjectives that describe my heart's melody. At least Close fist tantrums and spiteful words are turning into open conversations and patience learned. guess that means i'm growing up? my heart waits in turn When is my moment to receive all I put out? Or am I the door mat type? I'm steady torn at night. 3 am brings nothing but harsh realities. a bitch ass roomate's alarm blaring. Staring contests with my depression this fucking alarm is all I'm hearing. My heart and my mind play tug of war my spirit's tearing. THIS ALRAM TEARS THE ASS I MIGHT SLAP THIS MF. but i might also lose all i worked for. Each day I hurt more. Someone look out for David for once, or am i not worth more? i guess not. tired of typing these tired words up on my laptop. maybe one day someone will answer. until then its me and my demons 4 am tap dancing. HOPELESS romancing. and give up hope of a better life sentence. why is my karma so heavy? why is my silence so deafening? who doesn't wake up by alarms they stay steady setting? i'll tell you who A mf that next time i catch in the kitchen might catch A FUCKING SLAPPING.
Dream Big 