I was stuck in a delusion that anyone could be the one for me.
That’s the base of my heartbreak’s foundation.
I’m as disposable as the autumn leaves. 
Well reality is, I was the one that could never be missed.
I would never be the one for somebody else’s peace of mind or happiness.
 

You leave me bare.
Love this real is rare. 
But maybe i’m all alone in this sphere.
And every battle i fight is uphill and wearing.
teach me to care for your spirit.
im unaware of what more i should be givin.

too alone suffering in my loneliness.
my soul has yet to find a home out here. 
Trying to sustain my happy , so sick of it coming in spurts and moments. 
Save me from this deepening lonely.
i’m more than a homie. 
Home for you is home for me.
my personality’s too ugly.
to play lover to a goddess.

Sometimes when i just sit and take in all that’s around me.
i find clarity.
why am i running from time , when time already has its plan for me?
i gotta make my peace with the man i see.

no more games, i’m overwriting all my old save data.
beauty’s in the eye of the beholder but her 
beauty was patiently crafted by the creator. 
And i know life is what you make her.
i’m discipling myself to be steadfast in my prayers.

And like ps2 memory cards, blow me and i ‘ll function better.
just kidding though, i release all expectations for my position to matter. 

All praise goes to the most high for me making it this far. 
Stay at least 30 feet back from my leaking heart. 
Stay at least 2 lifetimes away from my unhappy mind.
let any peace of mines lead you to less defeating times.

Don’t let my heart slip through your fingertips.
Don’t make a meal of something as simplistic as this.
my soul is in your grasp please show me you know how to deal with it. 
I know this love knows no real limits. 

i woke up everyday groggy, lethargic, uninterested. i never knew a day that it wasn’t a struggle to get out of bed.

i don’t think i’ve ever truly seen myself. i barely smile. I walk past mirrors with a mission. the front camera on my phone only knows me when it’s switched off. i don’t remember the sound of my laugh. i don’t remember what lights my atoms ablaze with passion.

the younger me shies away when I approach him. refusing to acknowledge me as the man he grew into.

you know i never knew a day getting out of bed wasn’t a struggle for me…
until i slept in your air. you would say i liked to sleep in the dark… no need for a night light… but the truth is you were the light i needed. you were the dream catcher that stopped my nightmares. you were the comforter i’d wrap myself in. i never knew that peace was attainable. and as a lifelong insomniac i definitely never saw sleep as something to look forward to. 3 am was always my most productive hours. even on the days i made 6:30 am.
i always slept in the dark because that’s all i knew. it suited me best. it allowed me to turn a blind eye to the younger me that was cowering in the corner actually afraid of the dark that had encircled him.

i couldn’t even tell you what i wanted to be when i was a kid. what my favorite music was. i never was accepted. i always was picked on. i always struggled in my skin. i don’t think i ever saw myself as beautiful. handsome. interesting. i was the nerd. the geek. the weird kid that preferred the library over the sports field. but also preferred the sports field over girls.

i probably never woke up happy. i probably felt like the world was unhappy to have me. the fuck ugly duckling.

you became what the younger me would run to. the boy that shied away opened up. he found a home.
a home i sadly had never been to him. a home that seemed foreign in the 441.

i never knew my smile. but i like the one that was caught in summer 2024. it the midst of a storm. on some All Might shit.

my inner child thanks you. for bringing him to the forefront. idk. maybe the light within me … was always destined to shine when it crossed your current and your current alone. that’s the beauty in life. that someone can come along that the light within me could acknowledge as it’s own. that parts of me i didn’t know could be amplified by me just being me. and being confident enough to walk in that.

i’m rambling…

I.

humble myself before you dear Lord. I take all the pain these lessons have to teach me. All I ask is deliverance from this cycle of pain that I am in. You heal just as much as you teach. You build as much as you destroy. So all these destructive ways you’re destroying in me will lead to stronger foundations. I know I took advantage of the biggest blessing you placed into my life. So i know this pain I feel is every bit of karma I had to go through. And I plan to continue to grow through these tears and my rupturing heart. Deliver me. Forgive me. Continue to trash me for now if there’s still more darkness to be loosened from my spirit.

My spirit cries out for peace.

I maybe haven’t felt relief in a little bit now. I think back to the freedom I felt on the Annapurna Circuit. And how now my life has always been this same cycle of self sabotage. But back then i remember how I had never felt as triumphant as when I walked through Thorongla Pass. 5400 meters above sea level was the last time my soul was….. and some 7 years later I’m still searching for a way to bring myself back to those heights.

I’m sorry for betraying myself. That’s the hardest pain for me to overcome because right now (and my whole life) I’ve felt I deserve to feel this low in my skin. I literally stood in the mirror and felt disgust at who I saw looking back. I called him ugly until I broke down. And this was maybe 2 weeks back but the ugly i saw wasn’t even strictly physical (even though it partially was) but Ugly was my personality, my lack of humanity, all the wrongs I’ve done, my soul and my spirit.

I’ll humbly sit at rock bottom for now. Every-time I think I’ve reached my core I realize there’s so many more layers of pain that I have to dig through. There’s still deeper for me to fall. More pain and shame for my body to carry. More tears to cry. My mind cries, my heart cries, my eyes cry. I would love to smile again. I want the sun to set on my depression. And for the new sunrise to bring summer time warmth to my soul. I haven’t deserved happiness up until now I can accept that. But I’m working to be someone that deserves it.

*Play ~Deliver Me(This Is My Exodus)*

I’ve seen the darkness of my spirit. I’ve lived here for too long. Day by day I will walk towards my healing. Goodbye to the lows I’ve made my home👎🏿. Time to start seeing myself in a different light. The base of the issue is that I want things that simply do not want me. So i will quell my wants, quiet my mind, and cleanse myself of expectations I hold over anything.

I will just take it as it comes.

With respect and manners.

Life will give me what it gives me.

There’s a million excuses as to why i haven’t been enough.

But yet all I wanted to see was one reason why I was. One reason to bet on myself. One reason to believe but I know now that excuses are easier to find, and reasons take effort that no one would be willing to put into me (not even myself).

Here’s to a better spring after one of my coldest winters. Here’s to a warmer summer.

Here’s to a warmer me.

I’ve received all the damage I can take and the fall off the edge feels inevitable.

May God bless and guide anyone who reads this far. I wish us all to have good days.

Lonely and alone.
The double edged sword of being me.
These nights i can’t even sleep.
all my human connection happens through this screen.
low and lower. 
My confidence has too many holes in it.
i’m growing weary of this life thing

This pen gave my ruptured spirit meaning.
Nobody knows the fissures my soul holds.
The darkness of the ink matches the darnkess where i bleed.
You shining would be a threat to the ones that guide troubles 
so your target doubled .

i’m Only tilling the ground of intentionally planted seeds.
no more time to give life to dying, dead, or draining things. 
I don’t expect my flowers to grow from withering leaves. 
Bring your spirit back to me.
Like black bay’s water caught my every emotion and returned me peace.

but who could ever love a man like me?
a man so damaged and incomplete. 

She brought me closer to Gods messaging.
The talent I have needs a better channel.
Trying to get a handle on what the ink bleeds into the journal.
I believe we won the toughest battles.

A breath in this spring air let me know better days are ahead.
Been laying my demons to bed. 
While praying for another chance to lay this ring on her finger and place a crown on her head.
Breaking bread with my angels so i grow closer to them. 

A new me is emerging. 
I release my hurting. 
Loneliness is leading me back to me.
thank God for second opportunities.

Honey must drip from that golden smile.
It’a been a while since i felt this good in love.
I put you above even the level i should and uh.
I just want to hold a moment to admire you.
To inspire a blaze that fire’s a new
Section that’s healing and bettering 

i pray therapy for me kin and me.
Praise for the presence you bring.
I won’t imagine life without your light.
The stars must sparkle in your eyes.

Has anyone ever told you that your smile’s curve rivals the brillance of the crescent moon?
I wish you could’ve seen the beauty in yourself much sooner.

You’re why poetry exists.
You’re the caterpillar inside its cacoon.
There’s still more levels to how gorgeous you will become with age.
You’re the type of woman they write about in the pages of the greatest love stories
You’ve been crafted by the sweetest part of God’s glory.

Empryean , ethereal, & effortless purity.
i would take care of with surety.
so take a stab at happy and take a bet on me.
i’m worth the investment, like winning the soul lottery.