Played a king to mess with the jester.
I always had an inkling that i was lesser.
Replaceable.
The pains of severing a soul tether. 
Maybe i reached my peak and this shell is all that’s left of. 

Who i wanted to be in love and in life. 
Overwhelmed trying to figure out where i went wrong to deserve this?
Never finding answers leads me to sleepless nights.   
Maybe i’ll never be alright again.
I’m really nothing special that’s a promise to my calloused hands 🙂

Reach out to me.
Save me from this destructive state of depression.
i’ve been in this harrowing place of regression.
to be disposable is the worst feeling of all. 
Play Maxwell’s “pretty wings” for the message.
where and how did i go this terrible wrong? 
Maybe it’s all for the better…

I wanna heal all the places you’re hurting. Plug all the holes in your heart.
Give tenderness and light when the darkness takes over.
show you that you’re worthy to feel beautiful and loved.
to build a ship that never sinks.
To praise the skin you walk in.
there’e no more time for empty talking. 
I’m a man of action when it comes to you.
nobody else even interests me.
no body could move me the way you do.
everyday i wake up is a promise to the goddess in you.
i vow to craft us a better life.
this is a love poem to my future wife.

I need a pet or something. Thats probably the only way i would receive unconditional love in this life lol.

No more bottled emotions, or keeping shit pent up.
Gotta put the pen to the pad to open my mental up. 
Shying away from confrontation these days.
i just want better for myself so i can change the messaging on these pages.
i wanna be loved in the best ways, on all days. 
I want someone to see me and say God blessed them
and that i helped bring them through their test stages. 
Wouldn’t a chance at real love be amazing? 
Wouldn’t betting on me be worth the payment? 
Reaching for happiness is quite strange
but with the right one it’s worth the growing pains.

If God is the source then just give me a sip from his fountain.
Counting the days until depression stops coming.
Give me a tangible love, one that I can feel in my battered spirit.
pitching my tent outside heaven’s gates like “lemme just get one glimspe of the better picture”.
i can’t find my purpose through this teary vision.
playing “can we talk” doubting anybody would listen.
my forehead glistening from these 3 hour walks home.
this is the best time to jot notes.
its really just me, God and these headphones.
i should’ve left long ago.

😦

My spirit feels like it’s drowning as the rains pour down around me. If I wasnt going to work right now I probably wouldn’t even care if I got wet because it matches my aesthetic. The hard downpour a reflection of my inner state.

I feel quite alone in this world. Disposable. Replaceable. I always think about my place in all of this… or if i even have one. If anyone holds me where I hold them. If I matter? Maybe some people aren’t meant to matter? Maybe I’m the exception…. Being me hasn’t been easy for a long time. The pains of existing in this world …. Mannn.

I literally can’t even look in mirrors. The last time I did I honestly called myself ugly and broke down. I see what the world sees and not what I want to see. I see why everyone is tired of me. I see why I’m alone. Couldn’t tell you the last time i felt loved. And thats on me. I should love myself when no one else does. I should show up for me. But i have just been falling victim to how everyone else treats me. No one really values me so why would i value myself? Why not just rot away? I always think maybe i should just be a different person? Clearly no one likes me for who I am. Maybe I’ll never be enough …. I’ve given up on so many things these last two days…. What i want is no longer attainable in any sense. I giveth upeth