I need a pet or something. Thats probably the only way i would receive unconditional love in this life lol.

No more bottled emotions, or keeping shit pent up.
Gotta put the pen to the pad to open my mental up. 
Shying away from confrontation these days.
i just want better for myself so i can change the messaging on these pages.
i wanna be loved in the best ways, on all days. 
I want someone to see me and say God blessed them
and that i helped bring them through their test stages. 
Wouldn’t a chance at real love be amazing? 
Wouldn’t betting on me be worth the payment? 
Reaching for happiness is quite strange
but with the right one it’s worth the growing pains.

If God is the source then just give me a sip from his fountain.
Counting the days until depression stops coming.
Give me a tangible love, one that I can feel in my battered spirit.
pitching my tent outside heaven’s gates like “lemme just get one glimspe of the better picture”.
i can’t find my purpose through this teary vision.
playing “can we talk” doubting anybody would listen.
my forehead glistening from these 3 hour walks home.
this is the best time to jot notes.
its really just me, God and these headphones.
i should’ve left long ago.

😦

My spirit feels like it’s drowning as the rains pour down around me. If I wasnt going to work right now I probably wouldn’t even care if I got wet because it matches my aesthetic. The hard downpour a reflection of my inner state.

I feel quite alone in this world. Disposable. Replaceable. I always think about my place in all of this… or if i even have one. If anyone holds me where I hold them. If I matter? Maybe some people aren’t meant to matter? Maybe I’m the exception…. Being me hasn’t been easy for a long time. The pains of existing in this world …. Mannn.

I literally can’t even look in mirrors. The last time I did I honestly called myself ugly and broke down. I see what the world sees and not what I want to see. I see why everyone is tired of me. I see why I’m alone. Couldn’t tell you the last time i felt loved. And thats on me. I should love myself when no one else does. I should show up for me. But i have just been falling victim to how everyone else treats me. No one really values me so why would i value myself? Why not just rot away? I always think maybe i should just be a different person? Clearly no one likes me for who I am. Maybe I’ll never be enough …. I’ve given up on so many things these last two days…. What i want is no longer attainable in any sense. I giveth upeth

I’m probably the biggest clown there is. Searching for love but can only sparsely provide it for myself. looking for acceptance from people that have done nothing but reject me. Investing my all into another until now I’m realizing i’m tired too , my stopper was pull and now i’ve been drained.

Song one ~ Hibachi (Ok Ok) / Jordan Ward “we come out on the other side with some thicker skin and some lessons learned had to burn off this adrenaline”. This has become a mantra to me. Nothings going to wash away the pain. Nothing can predict the tides. This heartache hits like a tsunami. The highs are 70 feet tall and hard to reach but worth it while I’m there, but im rarely there. The lows are as low as the tsunami pulls the water before it comes. And everything in between feels like i’m being churned in a violent rage of a wave. Gasping and fighting for air only to swallow more and more water. Nothing in life prepares you for sustained pain and glimpses of happiness. It should be the other way around. Laburnum ave has been the worst 2 years of my life.

Song two ~ Cherimoya / Jordan Ward. “You’re the rarest one”. All i can hold onto right now is the idea of protecting God’s rarest flower. Maybe my garden is burning so her’s can grow from the nutrients of my destruction. The lessons in my demise. Maybe i had to wither and meet her at my lows. To walk with her. To grow her. To water her. And maybe i’ll stay in my low for a long time. Maybe my garden will keep withering away. But one smile from God’s rarest one. One laugh…. One small moment of ease… then maybe there is beauty in the fall. And maybe there will be grace in the redemption. Maybe i had to break. To see the world with a new pair of eyes. To try harder than i ever tried. Only way from here is forward anyway.

Song 3 ~ FamJam4000 / Jordan Ward “you watch me grow up from a boy. I watched you build from what’s destroyed” and “patience … these curses on generations. Let’s fall back in love and break em. Nothing’s past the conversation. There’s always space for you.” For real. To grow past the environment that made you … especially when you’re still living there or experiencing the growing pains is a hard as thing to do. To learn how to react differently, to reel in anger, to communicate and love and rise above toxicity or trauma and pain… this shit is hard. Near impossible. But i try and fail , try and succeed, try and fail again to be a better version of myself for love. This is about as raw as i can get without saying everything i feel. But hey. Can we bring the love back?

Hi.

Meet me where the sun rays paint the mountain ranges with life’s most beautiful hues. I’ve caught the clues that this is as small as I’ll probably ever be. I live a constant barrage of nightmares stealing the light of my dreams. I rarely feel as beautiful as I try to make others feel about themselves. I rarely feel as warm as the sunset. Maybe my skies are just way too cloudy. Maybe my waters are too stormy. Maybe my hurricane season has extended. That’s probably why no lights dance across my night skies. That’s probably why there’s no one here to meet me. There’s no beauty to be found in the shell of the man that I want to be. There’s no colour in the damaged man that I am. Every sunset with me is bland. What is there to look forward to? No relief from the hardest days. I guess that’s why no one cares to sit with me and look past the immediate towards my horizon. What potential promise can be found if everyday is gloomy? My waters choppy. My self love non existent on some days, and fleeting on most others. When was the last time someone felt at peace at dusk with me? I’m sure my eyes don’t hide my pain. I’m sure my hands shake too much when holding space for someone else. I’m sure my voice is too shy when it matters. I know that in the bigger picture that I definitely don’t. There’s no peace in my sunset. Like I find peace in mother Earth’s…

I’m on the road to recovery.
The pen helps me sew back teared parts of me.
learning to use my gifts properly.
it’s God, her and me. 

Putting my best foot forward.
But having to take two steps backwards to get the fuller picture.
She was truly crafted within a Godly image.
I’ve been busy tilling her garden with her.
replanting new seeds each time we grow closer.
she’s the final destination, i try to hold her closely.
i ask God to hold guide her healing and to watch over. 
I’m walking in God’s favour because he let me know her. 
Staying patient, just blessed to watch the sun illuminate her aura. 
Mending my brokenness to just be able to try to love her wholly and be able to show her.
living through these extreme lows.

I…

I know It must be heavy to walk this troubled earth as an Angel. 
I can only imagine the weight of your halo.
You’re as precious as you are because God made you.
with patience and time, love and expertise.

how does it feel to finally start to see what my words really mean?
to see yourself as beautiful.
hopefully i contributed to you finding you again.
thats all i can offer. 
To help you regrow your wings, i found them when you lost em. 
I held em for this moment. 
You’re proof that heaven’s golden. 
God loves and I know it.
because he crossed our paths.

my time card is stamped with days spent loving you.
i love you so i really do.
sometimes the simplest words ring true.
you’re my saving grace, 
Youre the face i picture in dreams when i say “i do”.
it has always been you.