The malice took a chokehold of my soul when i need it most.
I lost all sight of the man i wanted to be.
Negative tendencies became my only remedy.
It’s just me and the man i’ve never have been.


I reach out for a hand that was interlocking with five different fingers.
There’s no place for me on these stormy seas.
The only picture I could paint is one of comparing myself to the man I never could be.
I know a lot of key ingredients are missing from the recipe.
If her dinner plate is sat adjacent to me.

I know I’m not the man that she misses.
Or the man she wants her life partner to be.
Can I at least receive a little honesty please?

I’m relearning myself through all these low extremes.
Whatevers below “rock bottom” is where you find me hiding.
I dont wanna let this feeling consume me or to define me.
There’s no changing all the damage i’ve seen. 
It’s time to let go of the man I never could be. 

And find a champion in the mirror.
And be okay with learning every lesson I’ve been scared of.
I have to accept that shit happens and now love myself fearlessly. 
And erase the man I never have been from the front pages of my memory. 

P.S.

It’s time to start running. Time to stop hoping that things could have been different than what they were. They weren’t. People were who they showed themselves to be. Pain was unbearable at times. But now you’re on the other side. Hoping and praying that if it was different it would be okay won’t change what has been done. Stop giving CPR to a death that is already done. Let the rotten things rot. And nurture the newly germinated seedlings. And instead of running away, wishing you could go back and get it right, or trying to ignore it hoping it stays hidden David…. Man up and take the steps to overcome the past. For you. For a better future. For those few true good moments you can still make in this life. For second chances. But make sure you claim the second chance and refuse to make the same mistakes again. The work is hard. The road is bumpy. The hills are “sexy bum hill” high. But what’s any of that to a man who touched Thorongla Pass?

The past doesn’t have to define you. It can guide you, strip you, teach you, break you. But today is the day to build…. To mold your future.