😦

My spirit feels like it’s drowning as the rains pour down around me. If I wasnt going to work right now I probably wouldn’t even care if I got wet because it matches my aesthetic. The hard downpour a reflection of my inner state.

I feel quite alone in this world. Disposable. Replaceable. I always think about my place in all of this… or if i even have one. If anyone holds me where I hold them. If I matter? Maybe some people aren’t meant to matter? Maybe I’m the exception…. Being me hasn’t been easy for a long time. The pains of existing in this world …. Mannn.

I literally can’t even look in mirrors. The last time I did I honestly called myself ugly and broke down. I see what the world sees and not what I want to see. I see why everyone is tired of me. I see why I’m alone. Couldn’t tell you the last time i felt loved. And thats on me. I should love myself when no one else does. I should show up for me. But i have just been falling victim to how everyone else treats me. No one really values me so why would i value myself? Why not just rot away? I always think maybe i should just be a different person? Clearly no one likes me for who I am. Maybe I’ll never be enough …. I’ve given up on so many things these last two days…. What i want is no longer attainable in any sense. I giveth upeth