I’m probably the biggest clown there is. Searching for love but can only sparsely provide it for myself. looking for acceptance from people that have done nothing but reject me. Investing my all into another until now I’m realizing i’m tired too , my stopper was pull and now i’ve been drained.

Song one ~ Hibachi (Ok Ok) / Jordan Ward “we come out on the other side with some thicker skin and some lessons learned had to burn off this adrenaline”. This has become a mantra to me. Nothings going to wash away the pain. Nothing can predict the tides. This heartache hits like a tsunami. The highs are 70 feet tall and hard to reach but worth it while I’m there, but im rarely there. The lows are as low as the tsunami pulls the water before it comes. And everything in between feels like i’m being churned in a violent rage of a wave. Gasping and fighting for air only to swallow more and more water. Nothing in life prepares you for sustained pain and glimpses of happiness. It should be the other way around. Laburnum ave has been the worst 2 years of my life.

Song two ~ Cherimoya / Jordan Ward. “You’re the rarest one”. All i can hold onto right now is the idea of protecting God’s rarest flower. Maybe my garden is burning so her’s can grow from the nutrients of my destruction. The lessons in my demise. Maybe i had to wither and meet her at my lows. To walk with her. To grow her. To water her. And maybe i’ll stay in my low for a long time. Maybe my garden will keep withering away. But one smile from God’s rarest one. One laugh…. One small moment of ease… then maybe there is beauty in the fall. And maybe there will be grace in the redemption. Maybe i had to break. To see the world with a new pair of eyes. To try harder than i ever tried. Only way from here is forward anyway.

Song 3 ~ FamJam4000 / Jordan Ward “you watch me grow up from a boy. I watched you build from what’s destroyed” and “patience … these curses on generations. Let’s fall back in love and break em. Nothing’s past the conversation. There’s always space for you.” For real. To grow past the environment that made you … especially when you’re still living there or experiencing the growing pains is a hard as thing to do. To learn how to react differently, to reel in anger, to communicate and love and rise above toxicity or trauma and pain… this shit is hard. Near impossible. But i try and fail , try and succeed, try and fail again to be a better version of myself for love. This is about as raw as i can get without saying everything i feel. But hey. Can we bring the love back?