I.

humble myself before you dear Lord. I take all the pain these lessons have to teach me. All I ask is deliverance from this cycle of pain that I am in. You heal just as much as you teach. You build as much as you destroy. So all these destructive ways you’re destroying in me will lead to stronger foundations. I know I took advantage of the biggest blessing you placed into my life. So i know this pain I feel is every bit of karma I had to go through. And I plan to continue to grow through these tears and my rupturing heart. Deliver me. Forgive me. Continue to trash me for now if there’s still more darkness to be loosened from my spirit.

My spirit cries out for peace.

I maybe haven’t felt relief in a little bit now. I think back to the freedom I felt on the Annapurna Circuit. And how now my life has always been this same cycle of self sabotage. But back then i remember how I had never felt as triumphant as when I walked through Thorongla Pass. 5400 meters above sea level was the last time my soul was….. and some 7 years later I’m still searching for a way to bring myself back to those heights.

I’m sorry for betraying myself. That’s the hardest pain for me to overcome because right now (and my whole life) I’ve felt I deserve to feel this low in my skin. I literally stood in the mirror and felt disgust at who I saw looking back. I called him ugly until I broke down. And this was maybe 2 weeks back but the ugly i saw wasn’t even strictly physical (even though it partially was) but Ugly was my personality, my lack of humanity, all the wrongs I’ve done, my soul and my spirit.

I’ll humbly sit at rock bottom for now. Every-time I think I’ve reached my core I realize there’s so many more layers of pain that I have to dig through. There’s still deeper for me to fall. More pain and shame for my body to carry. More tears to cry. My mind cries, my heart cries, my eyes cry. I would love to smile again. I want the sun to set on my depression. And for the new sunrise to bring summer time warmth to my soul. I haven’t deserved happiness up until now I can accept that. But I’m working to be someone that deserves it.

*Play ~Deliver Me(This Is My Exodus)*

I’ve seen the darkness of my spirit. I’ve lived here for too long. Day by day I will walk towards my healing. Goodbye to the lows I’ve made my home👎🏿. Time to start seeing myself in a different light. The base of the issue is that I want things that simply do not want me. So i will quell my wants, quiet my mind, and cleanse myself of expectations I hold over anything.

I will just take it as it comes.

With respect and manners.

Life will give me what it gives me.

There’s a million excuses as to why i haven’t been enough.

But yet all I wanted to see was one reason why I was. One reason to bet on myself. One reason to believe but I know now that excuses are easier to find, and reasons take effort that no one would be willing to put into me (not even myself).

Here’s to a better spring after one of my coldest winters. Here’s to a warmer summer.

Here’s to a warmer me.

I’ve received all the damage I can take and the fall off the edge feels inevitable.

May God bless and guide anyone who reads this far. I wish us all to have good days.