I

I may have been one of the ugliest men on earth. Nonono not the way you may think. I dont mean physically.

I’m talking about my tendencies. The way i talked. I listened but did i care to hear? I hurt cause I was hurting I was childish. I was destructive and falling into my destruction. I was as angry as the household I grew up in. The temperament of my parents became me. The only ways I knew how to react were no good yet I was carrying them into my young adulthood.

And it didn’t matter that this was how I was shown to interact with the world. Whenever you disagree you strike. Thats what my upbringing taught me. I didn’t know where to place my hatred. How to be healthy in discussing my feelings. I didn’t know how to talk about my insecurities. I didn’t know how to say I felt O was being treated unfairly so I waited in silence until I would lashed out in terrible ways.

I was just light enough that the beast inside me could remain contained for the most part.

But I was still heavy enough that it could slip out in my worst moments. But i didnt want to be the totality of all that boiled beneath my nonchalant exterior. I never wanted to be who i saw myself becoming in the pandemic. I never wanted to be as ugly as the person I was seeing looking me back in the mirror.

But I was saved by kindness. I was saved me love. By someone accepting my flaws and loving me regardless. By someone putting up with my lows and trying to bring me to my highs. Thats the beauty I found. And the beauty I lost. But I grew enough to know the beast isn’t me. So even in my loss I will choose to be the beauty I once got to experience.