Starting from one is no easy process. Having to humble myself enough to take a critical look at all my flaws in love. To analyze all I do wrong. To lay out my heart in front of me. To have to go back to the very basics when I felt I was ready for the final exam.

It’s a lot of pain retracing yourself back to one. Brian McKnight didn’t talk about that part. There’s a lot of patience involved. Patience within yourself because who wants to have to start over? To live within the parts of love that aren’t so glamorous. To have to address all their insecurities and fight all of their demons. And for the most part sit at number one alone.

When your ‘dream come true’ becomes a living nightmare. When it becomes tasking. When it becomes something to work at. Something to push through. Something to really work at. When the street lights are flickering and the path ahead is long and dark and lonely.

One hasn’t been a friend to me. My lows have been my lowest evers. But I’m better equipped to push through now. So yes it’s heavy … and probably the heaviest it’s ever been… but my soul is stronger now. I bounce back quicker. I forgive myself faster. I hate myself less. But …. The shit still fucking hurts. Idk. I’m starting to see the light in some regards again. I needed this reminder that my work is never done. I guess there’s lessons in the pain. I guess finding me might come from the loneliness and abandonment. Stay up. Be good to you. I’ve been sad nonstop since my birthday. Sigh.