~Sunday, November 26th, 2023. 1.09 a.m.
-Post Mental Breakdown. Mid Depressions

This is as personal and open as I can get. There is still much worst from this week alone. But I hope these dark thoughts let’s someone… anyone know. Just Keep going. We made it this far.

~ Tonight’s Iphone Note.. freshly written… raw… written through teary eyes.

“This pain i carry through my every night…
I have not one friend or anyone that i can reach out to when it gets really overwhelming. Time zones suck. So i Walk. And i Suffer. And i Search for any semblance of light. ANd even the moon is hiding behind the clouds.

I have always been a loser.
Always been at the bottom.
But this is the lowest i’ve ever felt about myself.
My best self was still trash.
And i know this pain is the karma I’m deserving of.

And having no one to call on at a time like this shows is my journey to carry this alone. Maybe a reminder that i’m just as disposable to the universe as I am to myself.

I wish i could just wake up and want to be me.

But how could i?
Every inch of my being hurts .
Why is the pain still so heavy.?

Well 28 years of self hate is a lot to carry i guess.
I know i’ll never be enough .

Man i lose……

i get it MAN FUCK. IM A LOSER !!!

My karmic stamp is a loser’s life sentencing.

I wish i was all the things i’m not.
I wish i could make one friend.
I wish i didnt have to be alone.

Lonely …

Suffering by myself…

In a shitty environment…

Like i try to be a decent person man.
And i really actually dont where ive fucked up this bad to deserve this much pain..

Like i truly am saying this because i actually dont know.

I write this because there’s no one to call on in these hours
No one to pickup when im falling deep.

And thats no ones fault.

But it still sucks to know every night i fall into these overwhelmingly hard times its just me and my darkness

And bad religion by frank

And im writing this through teary eyes and runny noses and heavy chests. because the phone just rings. and i have no one to hear my tears. so they become the only sound i hear in the silence. my heaves of pain become the only presence i feel.

because who can a loser like me turn to/\?

And i actually feel the physical pain of my heartbreak. the heaviness. the collaspe.

i feel every inch of everything i’ll never be.. and all i’ll never have.

and i wonder if Anyone will ever pick up for me again in this times?

if anyone will ever be on the other end of the line when i need it most.
When i fall.
when i need a shoulder to cry on.
when i need presence?
when i need a voice to remind me .. that even if i’m only 99% of all the negativity i think of myself that there is still 1%worth living for.

And rn idk what’s the point in l_v_ng if i hate waking up in the skin i wear.
if i hold no love for the soul i carry.
if my spirit coldens.

I wouldnt wish this on anyone

So i try my best to carry it well

And smile despite having no smile left for me

And give despite being lower than empty

Trying to drag myself to a gas station to fill up even the tiniest bit.

because most times i operate on 1-2 hours of sleep.

And im stranded in desert of my own making

And a person like me deserves no oasis. No rest

No dance powder…

I dont deserve anyone to pick up in the other side of the line.
i don’t deserve effort. or better. or more.

I’ll actually share this one for anyone who ever feels alone.

Because i get it

The heaviness of being a proverbial loser.

To truly be alone

Get Outlook for iOS”

emailed to myself from the iphone notes app. so i could post this from my laptop..

the songs that broke and saved me as i wrote this..

“Bad Religion – Frank Ocean
Tummy Hearts- Renee Rapp
Guarding the Gates- Lauryn Hill
Snow Angel- Renee Rapp
Breaking Point- Leon Thomas III

and the lyric that really sent me over the edge of my fall goes to..

Because i know i deserve nothing. and that reminded me.
i had a steep ass
painful ass
lonely ass fall tonight.
i have no one in my darkest hours.
it’s life
fuck life
fuck being me
fuck being here .

-love