Warning: objects in the rear view may be become more distant.


Forgiveness is kinda hard 
When the wounds are still fresh.
When the stitching job isn’t the best.
When mother nature refuses to give that peaceful evening breath.
When 3am becomes a frequent visitor and sleep evades.
When the lessons force themselves upon you each and every day.

Forgiveness becomes easier when you try to do better.
When the hurricane inside starts to settle its weather. 
When the stitching job becomes duct taped and holds a little bit stronger.
When summer nights stay longer, and old pain starts to peel like old worn out leather.

Forgiveness sometimes hurts. 
When closure is still open.
When the glass that’s half full seems to be poked full of holes and,
You started to move, but ended up staying stuck,
When life’s garden reaps fruit but they are all filled with rot.

Forgiveness is most important when I work to forgive all my struggles.
When i’m the author of my own peace,
And work to fix my own troubles.
When i stop requiring forgiveness from others before i heal my own pain.
When the pen hits the pad at the end of each day.

I forgive myself for 
All the questioning my worth.
For being a bad friend and not providing the work.
The work that it would take to wrong past mistakes.
To work that it’d take for family curses to break.
To replace the self hate and highlight all my strengths.

I forgive the bad days and the slip up of character.
I forgive the dumb texts that damaged and teared and ripped at us.
I forgive the old me for having to learn shit the hard way.
For not valuing love until the pandemic stripped love away.
I forgive myself for not listening , for over talking, 
for losing my ambition
For getting more and more lost.

But i praise myself for all this effort to be better.
For the man i’ve become for the shame that i am shredding. 
For the burdens i share. 
For trying my best 
For coming to understand that loving myself is when life’s at it’s best.

In 2023 
I … forgive myself for failing to forgive myself for so long. Summer has been rough for a couple of reasons. But thats no excuse for how badly I’ve been beating myself up. I NEED to hold myself down. To do better. 
It gets hard yk? I stay stuck in bad tendencies because they’re easier to depend on. I let my mistakes define me. I get scared of the tougher decisions. I beat myself for failing so much in my past. And overlook the good moments and successes I’ve been achieving. 

Failing to forgive myself keeps me in a rut. Unable to enjoy the things that bring me most joy. The things that tenderize my soul. The things that glue me back together. Because sometimes i question how anything could be so good to me. I can’t even be good to myself. Why God could love and support me when I’ve shunned him so much recently. Since like Nepal days. 

I have been beating myself up even until writing this. And it has caused me a lot of long, sleepless, drained, sweaty ass nights.

But these past few days kindness has been attracting itself to me. Because of prayer. And intentionally being good to me. And others reminding me that i’m seen. I know others shouldn’t have to remind me, i should see myself, but I’m human and sometimes validation temporarily fills the hole. 
This week has been better. The sunsets have read my deepest thoughts that bleed into my journal. The connections, although old in definition, have filled me with a new and refreshing sense of peace and joy. The air is lighter and HOTTER. 

I forgive myself for stretching me thinner than i could probably handle. And giving too much of me to people who probably don’t deserve it. People that don’t care to care about me. I’m only human though. Probably a pushover at times. I also forgive myself for believing I could be …….’. ……. …… !!

I love you today David. And that’s a fucking start. And lastly, i forgive you for not saying that sooner!