Scary.

I am drowning. Sinking deeper and deeper into my darker ways. Light eluding me as I fall deep like Daniel Kaluya. I don’t even remember which way is up?

Is the tug of war between my heart and brain ever gonna let up? Which is the anchor pulling me down? And which is the live vest trying to pull me back to the surface? To the light.

The deeper I sink. The more I lose me. I start to question myself. Judging my appearance, wondering what I’m doing wrong. I even ask if I hold any value at all.

I was close to the edge anyway before I slipped and fell. The treacherous waves and deep blue enchanted sea can’t be all that bad. I feel like Ariel watching Ursula poison my Eric. I feel like Ariel losing parts of myself.

As I sink I settle into this feeling more. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe this is what I deserve. Maybe my best will never be enough. The ocean reassures me that if I’m going to suffocate, it might as well be of my own doing.

Maybe this is a new rock bottom I’m approaching. I swam my way back outta this once before. This time I gotta support myself. At least the pad has never left my side. Even when our relationship gets hard.

God reassured me I’d be okay. And that’s allowed me to check for everyone else. But I’ve been made disposable. So I’ll keep me for me. There’s one person that checks for me out here. Otherwise no one deserves what I’m putting out. Or I’ll keep drowning