~Steve Lacy’s: Give you The World

I move as the seasons changes. Becoming the cold. Winter fitting the change if my inner spirit.

I’ve turned myself away from the faith that once defined me. I still believe in a creator. And that there is truth in all religion. But what truth is mines to claim.

My soul warms as I see her grow. I will never tire of writing of the biggest blessing I have found in life. The most amazing soul. Someone who is blazing a path ahead as bright as the sun so it’s impossible to not get caught in her gravity. The most beautiful, precious, delicious human on earth.

People be asking me “When you getting married?” Like shit i would if i could but I’m a broke boy. But also, What could I give other than a broken version of myself to love.

The thing is my faith’s destroyed. I want there to be more for me in this life. I write to relieve myself of the pressures i put on myself. The ideals of being a man that I feel i have to live up to.

To relieve myself of all the things i’ve said and done that will never be forgiven. i can only hope that the God will forgive me when all is said and done. I can only hope the universe will be easy in its karma. That the chaos won’t crash in on me too heavily.

I am lonely. In spirit. In my discomfort. I call out and don’t doubt you’re there. But i understand that this is a period that maybe I’ll just have to reconnect with myself. That you won’t be there to help me.

I can’t recall the last time I felt you truly helped me. Maybe putting Mya in my path in 2017 was the biggest of my prayers that you answered. And maybe in a sense she in a reflection of all the things you want me to learn. Because to be a good partner is to walk closer to your light as i learn to be a better man. The lessons she teaches me , and the shortcomings I find in myself maybe have been the things you wanted me to know.

As i write, maybe this is a true reflection of my heart that i didn’t expect to come forth tonight.

I thank you God regardless. Cause maybe thats a crazy train of thought.

I thank the universe for its guidance. For presenting me with my light. For giving and asking nothing more than for me to exist in each moment.

The here.

The now.

I’ve always believed that the two was all i ever had.

The now. Nothing deserves more attention that whatever it is I’m constantly doing. Give everything 100% effort and approach everything with the spirit of a toddler, curious and full of excitement. Every moment a chance to fully experience something new. Even if i’ve done it before. I haven’t done it before like this. With today’s knowledge.

The here. To focus on the present. I’ve failed at relieving myself of holding too harshly on to the past. I’ve been letting my mistakes define how i view myself. Instead of using the past as a tool to teach myself, i’ve held onto it like a weight dragging a fish hook into the depths of the pressures of the vast sea of life.

But for the first time I’m excited for the future. To see her again and embrace in all that is good in the world. To grovel in the presence of the most beautiful essence of life. To years and lifetimes that could be spent together. to the best version of me supporting the best version of her and i can only hope that i’m doing that right now today.

Because loving hard, is exactly that…

Hard

There are scars and bruises and way too many opportunities to lose. And only a few to get it right before you lose it.

But if you live in fear of losing you miss the beauty of the present. The here. The now.

Experiencing everything in its entirety even these hard, colder times when winter fits your spirit best.

~kendrick lamar – mirror

Let me leave one of the quotes that defined the years of my largest growth :

“Life is a bit like hiking: the journey only requires you to put one foot in front of the other…. Again and again and again. And if you allow yourself the opportunity to be present throughout the entirety of the trek. You will witness beauty every step of the way, not just at the summit.” ~unknown

I will let this quote guide my years end and see where it leads me in 2023.