Dear younger David:

Are you proud of me? Of all the hardships i’ve overcame? Of the man I’ve withered into? Am I who you envisioned yourself to be.

I promise you I am constantly working to be better than the darkest me. Better than rock bottom. Better than literally being physically sick at who was reflecting in the mirror.

I remember I would always have the moments that felt like I was looking into the mirror of Erised. So for the non Potter heads, when you look into the Mirror of Erised, you would see your desires. And I remember all the the me’s i would picture. And all the me’s I never amounted to (college graduate me, mountain climber me, better than ….. me, truly happy me). And the me’s that still linger (author me, good boyfriend me, better me, better brother me, truly happy me). And i have to remember to be kind to all of us. All the versions of me I haven’t quite forgiven yet. The me’s that come out when i’m at my angriest, the me’s that are stagnant. Because truly, and i have such a rock, and two great friends and supporters, that I hope know who they are, they’re probably reading this right now. But those two are the one’s that I do it for for different reasons. But, i have to be kind to all the me’s i’ve been. All the me’s i will be. Because I walk alone with my thoughts. And i know you’re probably not okay with who you turned to be.

But I’m in the process of leveling up. Writing more to get back in the habit of exercising this muscle. Exploring options. Being better. Being the you, you might’ve thought you’d be at 22. I feel 27, will be a good year for me.

Look man. It’s only us at the end of the day. You, younger me. Me now. We all have to be okay with the different versions of us. The versions of us we will be in 5/15/30 years from now. And truly we don’t even deserve a quarter of the love we’ve been given. But it’s only forward. It’s only better than yesterday’s shortcomings. It’s only trying to live up to the man I saw in my Erised. I don’t even think right now we have an idea of what that would be. Like if I looked into it now what would I want? For us to be okay. For Mya to be loved like she deserves. For her to be happy. For Ky to achieve everything in life she wants. For my bois to be good. For my mama to retire and not have to worry.

For me to be secure in my purpose. And helping those around me in theirs. To be writing and exploring and being better. I think my erised would be something like this..

Let’s say 35. I have my bachelor’s degree. I’ve written 5 novels. I’m a husband. A good man. A good husband. Better for the one that loves me than the versions of me’s that i hate. A father. A better father than the generational curse I want to break. Well travelled. Healed. Free. A house that’s mine free and clear. Passive income, with steady sources of main income. Forgiving and forgave.

I find it hard to forgive myself. Like i hate myself so much at times. The simplest things can eat away at me. Keep me up til. Shit 3:24 am for example. I fee overwhelmed often. I feel i have nowhere to truly turn. I feel backed into a corner and at the same time so blessed.

I will get there. I will make it. But for now… For here.. For 27…. I will appreciate this moment by moment.

So younger me. Anger issues me. Abusive me. Failure me. Self-hatred me. Weak me. Low confidence me. By 28 we will have forgiven ourself.

I write always figuring nobody is really reading what i’m writing. But i try to share a little bit of me so maybe someone can understand. Maybe connect. Maybe feel like they’re not alone. So of you ever stumble across my blog. Or if you read it constantly and i don’t know drop a response and say hey. Or tell me in person idfk. And if it’s just me in here, cause i don’t really share this page like that. Then Yoooo We inchea the boi.

Songs of my Week: Friday, April 8th.

Paradise – Coldplay

Open A Window- Rex Orange County, Tyler The Creator

Lye- Earl Sweatshirt

How Did you get here- Little Simz

Too Late to Turn Back- Daniel Caesar

Vibrations – Alex Wiley

P.s. it is quite too late to be grammar checking this one so ease me up.