Cue:

More Gifts by Mike.

“I keep my soles planted.

Holding myself firmly to all the things that make me who I am.

Trying to be true to the person I want to be.

But it seems being me isn’t good enough anymore…”

~Dave Circa 2019.

For a time I was on the up and up. My self- confidence soaring. And my ambition was at an all time sky-high.

I knew that things would work out one way or another. That no matter my path, I would enjoy this journey every-step of the way.

I’d wake up… Eat some avacado toast (it was all the hype at the time). And although I hated my sleeping situation I knew I could make the day great if I wanted.

It’s all about perspective.

The mountains called to me. And I answered. Experiencing the best two years by far of my life.

Volunteering and hiking in Nepal. And Then volunteering in Borneo.

Falling in love.

Being creative and writing more.

I was shining.

But the depression and sadness was creeping. Waiting to pounce on me. Lingering in the back of my mind. A stain on the strides I was making. Giving me a glimpse of Happy, just so that when I lost it, The feeling would be so much worse.

It’s like… life’s like being on a hike through a beautiful ass jungle. The terrain isn’t easy to master but you adapt. Grow faster than you can plan otherwise. But there’s always the fear of all the animals you can’t see in this jungle you know? You know they’re there, and in the back of your mind you’re secretly on edge. And anytime you see any sign that they could be around, you feel anxious. But, until they are right up in your face you push it aside. You don’t start to panic until you’re face to face with them. That was me and my depression. Worried that it might sneak up on me. Worried that it might attack in the night. And then it pounced.

And I panicked for a bit when it hit me again.

When my sadness reared its face again.

Cause I thought being me wasn’t good enough anymore. And it got to be concerning.

(Play next track: Dragonball Durag– Thundercat)

How do I look in my durag? Everyday, I step outside I have to overthink if this Is this the most respectable way to present myself in public? If my hair would be good enough to wear out, or would I take another slamming from random people telling me how to live my life,wear my hair, or question my worth. Them, not realizing the negative effects this was having on my psyche.

It’s a lose-lose you know?

You change yourself to please others. Or stay yourself to prove them wrong and it feels you’re still doing it for them either way. Never for yourself. Tearing yourself down endlessly. And I was on my way down. Then, being me seemed to not be good enough anymore.

I couldn’t see myself in a positive light.

Everytime I looked in the mirror became more disappointing than the last.

Who was I even?

I was growing more into myself but growing further away from the self love I had developed the years before.

I was at war with myself.

It’s already hard enough with brown skin in this world and the last thing we need to do as a community and family is down each other. Or continue to idolize and push that European hairstyles as being “professional” and our own hair and unprofessional.

Reflecting our innermost insecurities of everyone around us. The worse case of self-sabotage is hurting our our kind. Instead of reminding ourselves that we are Amazing.

Wowee.

(Play Crooked Smile by J. Cole)

So I tried something new.

I imagined looking at myself through the eyes of my most loved family and friends.

Imagined how they must view me.

I must be some sort of handsome in their eyes.

There must be some sort of glow about me.

I just needed to dig deep enough to find it for myself.

 Instead of dwelling on all the negative things I feel bout myself, I needed to think past how I felt. Think of all the good traits the people that love me tell me I have. That means that I must have them right? Man, it was hard at first. Probably the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time.

But day after day I reminded myself of something small I did that’s positive. Whether, that’s something I did on Raleigh, or a small deed I did in my day to day life. And slowly, day by day it got easier to see positive things in myself. And right now It’s becoming easier to see myself in a positive light. Its’ about repetition and perspective.

Whenever I would drown myself in negative thoughts that’s what reflected when I looked myself in the mirror.

And now practicing positive thoughts, especially bout myself. Has changed my outlook to a slightly more positive view. And it feels like for the first time in a while that being myself was good enough.

After a couple years of feeling I wasn’t good enough in all aspects of life… work, relationships/friendships, writing.

Things finally started to feel better. Thing’s were starting to look up.

You know… in 2020 part 2 I’ve had nothing but time with myself and I’ve had to become enough again.

And with this whole pancake cooking around us I’ve had to overcome the lesser parts of me.

SO yeah, this is a reminder to everyone, anyone, and no one even that you are enough. That you should believe in yourself. That your sense of style is enough. Your taste in music is enough. You smile is more than enough. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Don’t let anyone or anything take that from you.

Especially not 2021.

We are enough.

Siri, play 24.19 By Donald Gambino to end this bih.

P.S. I was supposed to included something about infection in here so …

“Why did the compass go to the doctor……

IT HAD AN EAST INFECTION”

*badum tsssss*