Its been two weeks since I got the phone call offering to pay me out of my contract. Since then I’ve started down the path of no return.

Drinking too much.

Not eating.

Not sleep.

Losing track of time and days.

Staying up to ungodly hours.

3pm sometimes.

I’m Down bad and anemic.

Really feel sluggish and unhealthy even though I’m just staying at home doing nothing.

Everyday diving deeper into my self hatred.

Chinese takeout boxes and Tony’s pizza boxes scattered everywhere.

With the empty bottles of beer, Red bull and about 6 cases of empty coke soda cans piled ip in every direction.

Apps making it easier to never leave the comfort of my home yet still get everything I want delivered to me daily.

I roll off my sofa bed. Crashing to the ground with a surprisingly satisfying thud. It kinda wakes me up a bit.

I have one white sock on my right foot. No sock on my left foot. My sweatpants stained with grease.

It’s no room to really step so as I make my way to the balcony I just kick trash all over the place.

I wanna smoke a cigarette. The only time I leave my apartment now. Is To sit on my third story balcony.

Overlooking 12th street.

Then I see her.

Around 5’7. Espresso brown skin. Leather puffer jacket. Brown sweats. I can’t see her shoes from this angle but I assume they’re fire.

I look away. Up to the sky. Any angle to help not feel like I’m creeping on this girl.

But it’s good. I catch a shooting star. Every so often I look up just to remind myself how blessed I am to be here. NYC. ‘The greatest city on earth’.

But damn she was fine.

I feel a rush of excitement fill me as I realize I need to get out again. I need to Do more. Feel the cold January air against my skin.

I really need to start by cleaning myself up. Maybe I’ll start by setting a good sleeping schedule.

What good is sitting here doing nothing? The world’s still moving around me and nothings changing on my end.

#It’s crazy how it’s already been a week since I feel that way. Since I saw that girl and felt like I should get outside. And be better.

I thought it’d be easy to pull myself out of this slump. But all I did was fall deeeper into these bad tendencies.

It’s nearing the end of the month, i look at my phone it says January 26, 2022, and still no news from my job.

And I couldn’t tell you the last day I showered.

But a step in the right direction would be for me to get one right now.

So I swing my legs off my bed. And hop up. Feeling a rush of pain go straight to my head. I get Overcome by nausea and dizziness. I plop right back down.

I gotta push through though I hop up and briskly walk to the bathroom and slump over the toilet ready to unload the contents of my stomach at any time.

I must be hunched over my toilet for about 10 minutes before I vomit. And as soon as that comes out, I feel it coming out the other way.

I don’t even have time to wipe the seat off before I start to feel the diarrhea explode out the other end.

It was probably that 2 day old slice of pizza I ate that was just sitting in the box on the side of my bed. I figured it shouldn’t have been this bad.

I stay on the toilet for about 10 more mintes until I feel good enough to crawl into the shower.

I turn on my space heater. Then close the door to the bathroom. I turn on the hot water all the way up and the cold just a bit.

And watch as the glass door of the shower starts to fog up. I get in. Embracing the steam as I feel the burn of the hot warm scorching my skin.

I love it. I flinch a bit as I fully submerge myself under the stream of the shower head but this is just how I like it. This is the most alive I have felt in a long time.

I squeeze a couple of droplets of Dr Bronner’s pure castille peppermint soap into my shower sponge and splash it under the water.

The tingle from the soap as you lather yourself has to be the purest sense of feeling clean. And for me this is definitely the cleanest I’ve gotten all year.

The worst part is the couple seconds after getting out though. Peppermint soap leaves you freezing.

I rub grab my towel. Which is crisply warm and dry because I left it draped over my heater as I showered. As i wipe my face dry. I accidenraly kick the heater on the ground. I flinched back in pain. “Ahhh, FLIP”. I kick out at the heater in frustration with the sole of my foot. Almost immediately bending over to pick it up. I’ve always had fears a heater like this would end up creating some sort of fire.

I stand in front of the mirror. Letting the rest of my body air dry. Disappointed at who I have become these last few weeks.

I need to snap out of this slump.

I examine my body, my scars, take in all my imperfections and insecurities. I feel sadness well up inside me as my eyes begin to water. This is a different low. Post Pandemic low.

I dab the remainder of the moisture off my skin and slip all my clothes on.

I got to my mini bamboo bookshelf and pick up a notepad I haven’t written in for months.

I write and write. Letting my tears and pain smudge the ink. Engraving my pain into the page. Leaving a worse part of me there.

I rip the page in half and step outside to the balcony. I light the paper on fire and put in in my ash tray. I put another mini ash tray on top of it so it doesn’t blow away.

I feel a minuscule amount of sadness leave my soul. Just enough to give me a glimmer of hope.

The newer strains of the virus have left scientist scrambling to find a new vaccine. To limit new cases but the clusters continue to grow.

But I’m going to be better. No one else is gonna do it for me.

I go to the kitchen. Or what is left of it buried under the disorder. I scavenge through the debris to reach the cabinet where I have trash bags.

I take out the whole box and take it to the main living area. I turn my tv on and switch to the YouTube app. I search through the ‘Music’ tab for one of the ready made playlist and choose the one that says “my supermix”. It never fails.

The first song that plays is MF DOOM- Rhinestone Cowboy and I just know this is the right playlist.

I reach into the box of trash bags. Take one out and flap it open.

I reach down and start cleaning up the mess around me. Digging deep to get it done because I’d rather be laying in bed.

When I finish I have 6 full trash bags of debris clean piled up by the door. I grab my broom and do a quick sweep. I do a quick mop with my Swiffer Wet Jet filled with lavender cleaning liquid.

I search through my small closet for a coat and some burgundy slip on vans. And start to take trips downstairs to take my trash to the basement.