So.

I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t actually out run your past.

No matter how many positive steps you take in the right direction. As soon as some similar to your past mistakes pops up, you’re back to living under a microscope. No matter how much you know you’ve changed and how things are not at all like they were.

The people affected by your past mistakes will never be able to give you a clean slate in those regards. They will never see similar situations the same again. They won’t be able to understand that you aren’t doing the same thing.

But the only way to move is forward. Trust that if no one else does, you know your heart. You know you aren’t making the same mistakes. If your intentions are different you gotta trust that time will heal everyone involved.

You gotta strive from the constant discomfort these speed bumps give you. Grow. Adjust.

Be understanding to those you’ve hurt. Because even if your intentions are better the situation may be so eerily similar that its hard to overcome.

I’ve made mistakes. We all have.

This time I think I understand that it doesn’t matter if I think it’s different. Because those hurt by me in similar ways before think otherwise. So now I know that I have to be better. For myself. For the fewture. Because second chances in life are few and far in between.

And I guess overall I am learning it’s not for me to determine how people feel from my actions. But to own them in their truth. To take the bruises. To fight the shame. Apologize. Grow and continue to better myself. To be better. Because if I say i feel let down by something the least I would hope if for you to understand why I feel that way.

Idk if anyone’s reading this.

But if you ever feel like a constant fuck up you’re not alone.

All i can do is strive to be better than who I was a minute ago.

We out here.

P.S.

If non of this makes sense I get it. My brain’s pretty scrambled right now.