So yeah.

 

I think for the first time in a long time I’ve been content with where I am.

No where near happiness, but I’m okay with just going through my everyday motions.

But i’m also in the midst of overcoming what I’ve been struggling with the most. Trying to figure out where I fit.

What could possibly be the best path for David A. Simmons to follow? What impact am I supposed to make in the blimp of time I exist on the planet?

 

So working towards that I’ve been hashing out everything I’ve been feeling.

So I think I have a pretty good idea of where I fall short. Actually, it’s the only thing I’m sure off. It’s the only the I can remind myself of and all that plays through my mind.

I received a message recently which kinda solidified everything I knew I lacked in and reiterated how far I am from who i hope to be and how much have left to grow.

I also often think back to certain defining moments where these negatives have been highlighted, or I’ve been shut down for being me.

So this last summer I was doing a ‘beach cleanup’ and one of the organizers said to me “David whatever you’ve been drinking I need some of that” because I was ‘too smiley while participating in a beach clenaup’. Now for those of you that don’t know me I don’t drink. And tbh, most people I interact with on a regular basis would tell you I normally look very nonchalant and very rarely smile. (My parents often joke on that and i highly doubt they know the negative impact it has on my self esteem). One of my coworkers has taken the task of trying to make me laugh at work as Im often addressed as ‘ never happy’. Which I never am. Like i said. Im content .

I am normally good though and nonchalant is just my everyday face.

Whilst at a pool party, I had the parent of an associate, address me as ‘being on drugs’, because I was just being my goofy ole self. Something they just might not be use to.

Or Maybe what I consider ‘myself’ just makes people uncomfortable. This also struck a blow to my confidence.

Last one i promise.. I was told I don’t grasp the concept of being something I truly thought I shined at.

“You’re not that great of a pm you just, i guess, don’t understand the concept” ~Raleigh Bermuda venturer. Cut deep… Especially, As I thought this was something i was good at. And if that’s the most common view of me as a pm or not idk. But i do now question if that the right space for me to continue to give my time to if I don’t necesarrily shine at it.

Now I could go on , example after example, but I must stop. As even though this is my blog i know this is selfishly longwinded.

Im desperate…

Desperate to fit in.

Desperate to find what I’m supposed to do.

Desperate to learn.

To learn what I can say. When I can say it and to whom i can say it.

To learn Which version of myself I can be in certain situations.

Or which groups view me as what..

To learn if its best for me to fit into whichever role I need to play at a particular time or be if i should always be unapologetically me and take the criticism that comes from that.

Everytime I’m put into a new situation it feels like a lifetime. I’m so uncomfortable because i don’t know how to address it.

Do i have valuable conversation to add?

Am i too aggressive?

Are my views shamefully weird?

Is this talking too much?

Am i Talking too little?

All things i’m very conscious of in the moment but also just choose

Whichever lane and stick to it.

I long for a connection that isn’t you. (my physical journal, and my blog)

A judgement free connection .

I know where i fall short…

I’ve been struggling with a lot more than this lately but yeah.

So i hope i can one day find something i can call a ‘purpose’. Or can find where i fit. And can identify my strengths.

Oh and yeah. Case Study01, an album by Daniel Caesar. This shit hits. It really helped me realize the lack of balance my life has. How quick I am to try to hide or throw away my flaws. And how lost I am in trying to find my strengths , instead walking in them as a beautiful dichotomy that is molding me into being the David I want to be.

I know I’m falling short.

Daily.

And probably disappoint everyone around me.

But i love everyone regardless.

Maybe 2020 will be a year of understanding for me.